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Take me away,
Take me away, into the dream within a dream,
Into the sleeping sin, we can begin,
I feel your skin..
So warm within..
A thought for you,
A thought of all that matters,
All that shatters,
All that never really made a sound,
I see us drown..
An endless ocean of devotion,
Gentle notion, to come close in,
To my heart;
Needs to restart,
And never-ever shall we part.
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in places i knew what the rhyme was going to be before i read it, that shouldn't really happen, rhyme, when ever possible should blend in to the poem. what is the difference between
And never-ever shall we part.
and
we shall never part?
in general go the shortest route, that said, the line has been used thousands of times already. can it be said differently?
Presently you tell the reader everything, telling can work but the narrative has to be very good. instead try and show the reader what you mean,
abduct me like heroin
I feel your skin..
So warm within.. starts off what is more or less a continuous cliche, create the image in your own words, if it sounds like you've heard the phrase before, disregard it and think of something else.
thanks for the read.
(03-29-2013, 10:04 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Take me away,
Take me away, into the dream within a dream,
Into the sleeping sin, we can begin,
I feel your skin..
So warm within..
A thought for you,
A thought of all that matters,
All that shatters,
All that never really made a sound,
I see us drown..
An endless ocean of devotion,
Gentle notion, to come close in,
To my heart;
Needs to restart,
And never-ever shall we part.
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Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi billy,
Thank you very much for your comments 
And I think that you are right. I think the whole poem reeks of clichés and is just not very original. It was also inspired by another artist. I really got to work on that: When I get inspired, I have to be careful, and not make my poem sound so much like what or who inspired me.
Thanks for taking the time
- Volaticus
Posts: 280
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It's tough rewriting it, because it was written to such a clear melody, that I made up, before writing the poem. Damn 
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the only poetry that's sacred, (untouchable) is poetry to your mum  everything else is editable, while we look on poems as our babies, they're not, they're a collection of words that often can be made into a better collection of words that don't suck. it's only tough because as of yet you can't distance yourself from your poetry and be objective. most of us are or were the same.
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I do think I can be able to be objective about the piece. I've rewritten other pieces with an objective mindset. It's just that I don't even know how to begin revising.
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I feel like most of the lines were forced by the rhyme, you want to avoid writing things just to make them rhyme. "the dream within a dream". Lol plagiarizing the script for Inception?
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(03-31-2013, 01:42 PM)trueenigma Wrote: I feel like most of the lines were forced by the rhyme, you want to avoid writing things just to make them rhyme. "the dream within a dream". Lol plagiarizing the script for Inception?
It's a technically bad poem, I know. But it's to hard to revise, so I'll just leave it be for now, and focus on some of my other, better poems. But no, no copy, lol I wrote it way before I saw the film
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