Chrysanthemums

[UnicornRainbowCake]

You once presented me
with a bouquet of chrysanthemums.

I had been angered by your decision
to pick such a cheap and common flower -
though pleasant at first,
they lost their petals quickly,
the young buds surrounded
by a tight net of waxy leaves -
like a shield
from the rich and honest soil
that had once settled underneath.

I had decided, that evening, to leave you.

Little had I known that her thorns
tangled and twisted amongst our shared vines,
snagged and snarled into our bonds.

You'll soon present her
with a bouquet of roses.

[milo]

There is so much here that is very good.

You once presented me
with a bouquet of chrysanthemums.

I had been angered by your decision
to pick such a cheap and common flower -
though pleasant at first,
they lost their petals quickly,
the young buds surrounded
by a tight net of waxy leaves -
like a shield
from the rich and honest soil
that had once settled underneath.

I had decided, that evening, to leave you.

Right up to here is excellent! The details are spot on and the metaphor translates effortlessly and smoothly.

Our soil, our foundation, was dry with bitterness
and issues held on to for far too long.
Waxy leaves wound around our minds
shading it from the effervescent love
that came from the young buds of our hearts.
But I was the chrysanthemum -
swayed in the winds of passion,
the petals of my thoughts blew away
leaving an ever-growing weed
in the place of my once vividly coloured love.

This second stanza loses everything that made the first great. We are your readers, we are not stupid, we appreciated you trusting us with your metaphor in the first stanza, but now you explain it anyway!!

You switch to explaining the concrete with the abstract which is the exact opposite of what you want in poetry.

Little had I known that she
was lingering amongst our shared vines.
Her petals would not fade.
She is the symbol of eternal love,
not young lust.

You'll soon present her
with a bouquet of roses.


"lingering" might be too "poetic" IYKWIM.
"symbol of our eternal love" and "young lust" are both cliches and poem killing ones at that (sorry)

Thank you for sharing, there is much strength and truth here.
Good luck in your revisions.

milo

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I think your poem is great in many ways. It seemed heartfelt and strong. I really, really liked the first 12 lines. I think the images work great, and it has good flow. What I didn't like so much, is that it becomes a bit too wordy after those 12 first lines. In my opinion anyways, but I'm also no expert
Thanks for the read
- Volaticus

[Todd]

Hi, I liked how this started, but then I felt buried under a lot of exposition. For me, your poem would be stronger with less. Maybe start your revision with the following lines and ask yourself if any of what was cut needs to be reintroduced:

You once presented me
with a bouquet of chrysanthemums.

I had been angered by your decision
to pick such a cheap and common flower -
though pleasant at first,
they lost their petals quickly,
the young buds surrounded
by a tight net of waxy leaves -
like a shield
from the rich and honest soil
that had once settled underneath.

I had decided, that evening, to leave you.

You'll soon present her
with a bouquet of roses.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Thankyou for the (really fast) critique, I appreciate it a lot. I'd love to know what you think of my quick revision.

[Todd]

Quick thought: when you add snagged and snarled into our bonds, you are not trusting your imagery. You're moving in the right direction I think.

[Volaticus]

Personally, think the revised version is much better. Probably still needs a bit of work, but nevertheless; it's wonderful

[billy]

hi cake
if you put your edit above the original we can compare them to see if the edit succeeds.

in this case it does. i like what you did to the end of the poem, though i'd like to think it could be a bit more of a question than ipso facto.
will you present her
or
what will you present her with
roses?
the major cut hasn't done any harm at all to the poem, now it's more direct. i'm also glad you cut the

Her petals would not fade.
She is the symbol of eternal love,
not young lust.
often knowing too much weakens such poems
all in all a solid edit

You once presented me
with a bouquet of chrysanthemums.

I had been angered by your decision
to pick such a cheap and common flower -
though pleasant at first,
they lost their petals quickly,
the young buds surrounded
by a tight net of waxy leaves -
like a shield
from the rich and honest soil
that had once settled underneath.

I had decided, that evening, to leave you.

Little had I known that her thorns
tangled and twisted amongst our shared vines,
snagged and snarled into our bonds.

You'll soon present her
with a bouquet of roses.

[milo]

I agree with Billy here, the edited version is much more concise. This is another poem that could comfortably move into the mild critical forum if you wanted additional help with it.

milo