False hope?

[DizzyEyedShrew]

This is my first ever poem! I find it really hard to express myself without sounding like a cliche depressed bore. So with this i just tried to write the first thing that came to my head, so atleast it would be real. Let me know what you think!

False Hope?

In a world so dark I see nothing but rain,
my efforts to please fail again,
But i must keep chasing,
chasing. Even if a false reality,
what lays in this holds no meaning,

I find life through you,
I open my vulnerabilities and hope for acceptance,
with a single embrace I can see again.
with you, life isn't that bad,
infact, it's all I can ask for

[tjs2465]

I feel like this is talking about being venerable in a relationship and finally letting yourself be one with someone. I think it speaks to how much they mean and how they can truly alter your life and give you hope. The title seems to jest at a darker side to this edging toward the fact that life through someone else may really just be false hope.

[cidermaid]

Hi dizzy,

As a poem you have managed to make it real and to comunicate a thought and emotion to a reader, so in this you have achieved your desire. Great first effort. Your punctuation is a bit off in a couple of places. One of the first things I had to learn (as well as the whole thick skin thing) was the idea of actually reading my poems out loud. When i do this the punctuation and gramma issues tend to stick out and become obvious. Hope this is of some help.
Well done welcome to the site and keep on writing.
AJ.

[billy]

HI DES, first off, thanks for giving feedback elsewhere, keep it up

for a first ever poem it's great. (which doesn't mean it's good )
the title itself is a huge cliche. try and make the title original, though sometimes this can be hard.

think of words as money, or diamonds. be sparing with them till you get more used to creating lines of poetry, write down the poem as originally as you can in plain english. don't force anything like rhyme or meter to start with. just break it up into nicely sized chunks.
the go over each line and see how you can add or remove words or phrases in order to creat a line of poetry.


This is my first ever poem! I find it really hard to express myself without sounding like a cliche depressed bore. So with this i just tried to write the first thing that came to my head, so atleast it would be real. Let me know what you think!
let's take the first line, yo can take out a couple of words

In a dark world I see only rain

you could call it darkling world or say 'i see only black rain'
you could change the line completely if you wish.

it's obvious again or train will be the next rhyme, use a less obvious rhyme. that said, it's best to have a consistant rhyme scheme or none. i'd go for no end rhyme scheme, this means keeping the end words non rhyming. (you used again twice which often as is the case here, doesn't work.

In a dark world I feel only rain
my futile efforts scream stop, look


now we're in the realms of actually changing your words and that's your job as the poet. starting out, just go for similar line lengths, once you can get the words down then you can start messing about with line lengths and all the other tweaky stuff that comes with an edit.

False Hope?

In a world so dark I see nothing but rain,
my efforts to please fail again,
But i must keep chasing,
chasing. Even if a false reality,
what lays in this holds no meaning,

I find life through you,
I open my vulnerabilities and hope for acceptance,
with a single embrace I can see again.
with you, life isn't that bad,
infact, it's all I can ask for

[DizzyEyedShrew]

Thanks for the feedback guys . I might get working on a second draft soon.

[Jamie]

poignant though! I really felt the pain.

[Tommy]

I think this is a great first poem. There's some poetry BS and some grammar BS and some punctuation BS that needs improvement and you will get that through editing and tinkering but the really big accomplishment here is that you arranged some words on a page that made me, a stranger from a 1,000 miles away, understand your emotion. Good job. Poetry is all about vulnerability and acceptance and you can't have one without the other. Now get to work on the BS

[Claire]

My adjustments to this poem would be to make the title without the question mark, since there, in fact, is false hope. In the beginning I'm not quite sure what 'this' is, so maybe use somehting more specific to your poem. Keep writing! (:

[Volaticus]

Hi,
Impressive first poem. I could really feel the emotion, especially in the first verse. But to me, it's like the words in the second verse don't flow as easily, as in the first verse. But thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading it

[Truerenigma]

Not bad for a first poem. A bit abstract, and a little generous with the words, try to be pointed and concise. A little effort is required when it comes to writing a poem.

If your going to punctuate the poem at all you should use proper grammar.

You shouldn't introduce the poem by saying you're just going to write whatever pops in your head, it suggests I that shouldn't even bother taking the time to write it down and critique it, and after you mentioned that you thought it may end up full of cliches I had to fight myself to actually read it, and not just skim through the cliches.

Keep digging, take some time, write several drafts, crunch your lines. Good luck!