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revision 2
Blank scrubbed walls in room 410
give credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
in a clouded pillow prison
of white—rough, tough and mean.
Panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
muted cartoon bustle.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
swap with baby brother’s whines;
he shoves white cotton in his ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
A pair of well-known mommy hands
caress a crown of stretched-out skin,
touch opens glassy eyes.
A hastened kiss for her young boy
before the hectic workday calls;
a life of smiles and lies.
revision
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
in a horizontal prison
of white—rough, tough and mean.
His panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
muted cartoon bustle.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
take over sounds of life;
he shoves white cotton in his ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
A pair of well-known hands
caress a crown of skin,
touch opens glassy eyes.
A hastened visit to her baby
before the workday calls;
a life of smiles and lies.
original
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
into a horizontal prison
of not-so-soft white,
his panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
the soundless cartoons above.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Beeps and tennis shoe squeaks
replace sounds of familiar life;
he sticks sheet corners into ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
Well-known hands
caress a crown of skin
weighted eyes tremble open.
A hastened visit to her baby
before life and work
and responsibility calls.
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I like the content and the progression. My comments below are mostly suggestions based on what I think would sound best for rhythm. Do with them as you please.
Mikey.
(03-29-2013, 08:55 AM)justcloudy Wrote: The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean. Good line!
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
into a horizontal prison drop either 'to' or 'in' for rhythm. I don't think you need both for meaning
of not-so-soft white, not-so-soft doesn't move well. Maybe 'prickly' or something
his panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
the soundless cartoons above. the rhythm of this line doesn't quite work to my ear. Maybe 'mute' rather than 'soundless'. Mute has a more active sense, to me, in it supposes that something has done the muting.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Beeps and tennis shoe squeaks tennis shoe belongs to nurse or orderly, yes. But 'tennis shoe' conflicts with theme in a way that bothers me. Also, with the 'and' I'm left thinking that beeps also squeak. 
replace sounds of familiar life; put 'the' between replace and sounds. Or maybe 'replace familiar sounds of life', but that shifts the meaning a bit.
he sticks sheet corners into ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear. does anyone else have trouble with sequences of 's' ending words? I find them hard for me to say, but I do speak funny. 
Well-known hands
caress a crown of skin
weighted eyes tremble open.
A hastened visit to her baby
before life and work Maybe put 'her' after 'before' for rhythm. Personally, I like 'precedes' rather than 'before'.
and responsibility calls. maybe drop 'and'
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A birth and an Obstetrician? The opening Stanza is fantastic... The progression works well. I only have one suggestion. Less words. Find the core in each Stanza. Drill down. I want to read it again slimmed down. Thank you for the great read here.
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Joined: Feb 2013
thanks both for the comments, really appreciate them.
for the revision I opted not to cut it down like you suggested tmanzano, but instead to work on the rhythm and add in some rhyme.
thoughts?
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(03-29-2013, 08:55 AM)justcloudy Wrote: revision
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean. <<<
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
in a horizontal prison
of white—rough, tough and mean. <<< oh yes!
His panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
muted cartoon bustle. << you did it again (surprising me)
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach nto rolls of unused muscle. <<< have problems with this stanza because I do not get it.
Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
take over sounds of life;
he shoves white cotton in his ears. <<< grinning here
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear. <<< risky phrasing but I buy this stanza.
A pair of well-known hands
caress a crown of skin,
touch opens glassy eyes. <<< yes. love the surreality of this stanza
A hastened visit to her baby
before the workday calls;
a life of smiles and lies. <<< depressing but fine stanza
cheers and thank you for sharing your poem.
Me (almost still sober)
serge
original
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
into a horizontal prison
of not-so-soft white,
his panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
the soundless cartoons above.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Beeps and tennis shoe squeaks
replace sounds of familiar life;
he sticks sheet corners into ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
Well-known hands
caress a crown of skin
weighted eyes tremble open.
A hastened visit to her baby
before life and work
and responsibility calls.
Oh and I like the title. ;-)
Posts: 426
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Joined: Feb 2013
thanks Serge =] (sober schmober who needs it? unless you gotta work I guess...)
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle. --> basically have you ever eaten hospital food? generally it's inedible. esp when you add in hospital smell to the equation. that's all I meant.
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yes, I know hospital food. It has (besides being uneatable) an antiseptic stench coming for free with it, but that would be Blues stuff to write about.
watch me running away. ,-)
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Hello, thank you for sharing
[quote='justcloudy' pid='120894' dateline='1364514911']
revision
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
I have a hard time making it past this first stanza. austerity, credence, thoughts, death, all in 3 short lines. The strength is "lemon odor", I want more of that. Show me an austere room, show me credence, show me death
I would say trim the abstraction or at least move it further into the poem.
I like the idea and more crisp details like "lemon odor" throughout could make it a winner.
cheers.
milo
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Thanks for a great read! The only critique I can offer is:
I found it a bit wordy and felt that some of the words could go.
The sentence in the second to last stanza needs a conjunction, or it could be divided into two separate sentences.
Posts: 426
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Joined: Feb 2013
milo-- I know you hate my abstractions, sorry! can't please everyone I guess. I'm more of the opinion that concrete images anchor the poem, not that they have to completely make it up.
trueenigma-- thanks for the comment. would you mind pointing out exactly where it felt wordy? I'm too involved and am having a hard time seeing where I can/should cut. thanks much.
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(03-31-2013, 09:31 PM)justcloudy Wrote: milo-- I know you hate my abstractions, sorry! can't please everyone I guess. I'm more of the opinion that concrete images anchor the poem, not that they have to completely make it up.
trueenigma-- thanks for the comment. would you mind pointing out exactly where it felt wordy? I'm too involved and am having a hard time seeing where I can/should cut. thanks much.
To clarify, much of this really does work for me:
The austerity of his room
gives credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean. I like the lemon odor
Stuck by giant, clamping hands giant or clamping might be enough. Many of your lines, including this one are perfect IT.
in a horizontal prison horizontal might be too dehumanizing.
of white—rough, tough and mean.
His panic belly button pressed, panic belly button is fine
tiny sticking tears reflect this is fine as well
muted cartoon bustle. as is this
Sharp astringent pinches nose should be his nose, you haven't been skipping articles so you can't get away with this now.
as jellied food turns stomach and again
into rolls of unused muscle.
Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
take over sounds of life; scrubs/shoves is nice assonance and well-placed
he shoves white cotton in his ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
overall there is a lot that is good here, the details and imagery are nice.
As for a triolet? Why not a fantasy?
Stuck by giant clamping hands
of ogres - white, rough, tough and mean.
A prisoner trapped in foreign lands;
stuck. By giant clamping hands,
Billy grips his sword and stands;
cleaves the monsters limbs and falls between:
stuck, by giant clamping hands
of ogres - white, rough, tough and mean.
milo
I like the crammed feeling of some of the lines, the care it takes to read and understand gives more power to the words. "Sharp astringent pinches nose" and "panic belly button pressed" were probably my favorite portions linguistically, but I found myself wanting to hear more of those types of sounds following and was disapointed at a return to more conventional/dry lines. Nice poem overall though, a little sad for my taste but seemingly appropriate for a 'justcloudy.'
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Joined: Feb 2013
milo and catdog, thanks a lot for the thoughts. Loved the triolet milo ;D
here's a revision adding more images, hopefully both of you will like it. (but now S5 doesn't seem to flow very well and I'm not sure how to fix it...)
revision 2
Blank scrubbed walls in room 410
give credence to his thoughts
of death by lemon odor; clean.
Stuck by giant, clamping hands
in a clouded pillow prison
of white—rough, tough and mean.
Panic belly button pressed,
tiny sticking tears reflect
muted cartoon bustle.
Sharp astringent pinches nose
as jellied food turns stomach
into rolls of unused muscle.
Repeating beeps and swishing scrubs
swap with baby brother’s whines;
he shoves white cotton in his ears.
Drip-induced unconsciousness
slows and slurs, shuts down
sideways looks of fear.
A pair of well-known mommy hands
caress a crown of stretched-out skin,
touch opens glassy eyes.
A hastened kiss for her young boy
before the hectic workday calls;
a life of smiles and lies.
Posts: 23
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2013
I really enjoyed the imagery that you used in the poem. I think your word play in the first few lines is pretty sweet.
In all this is a well written poem. There are parts that seemed forced.. not jammed, just slightly manipulated. Maybe you can revise to make it as natural as possible....
If not it's ok. The poem was nice 
Shakyra
Posts: 426
Threads: 41
Joined: Feb 2013
Hi Shakyra, thanks for commenting. Would you mind pointing out where it feels forced to you? Since I wrote it, it's hard for me to see that myself. Thanks =]
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