Heartful Tune

[sophieatezombie]

Today I'm remembering. Smaller, less memorable moments. While we were busy making memories, the music we heard at those moments are now affiliated with the raging heartache I feel when I hear those same songs. It's those same songs that used to be joyful tunes with upbeat melodies and moving lyrics that now all sound like my tears at night when I await the sound of your bass that never sounds the same in any other soul. Those songs that sting my chest when I hear them on the radio.

[NakedBear]

Today I'm remembering. Smaller, less memorable moments. While we were busy making memories, the music we heard at those moments are now affiliated with the raging heartache I feel when I hear those same songs. It's those same songs that used to be joyful tunes with upbeat melodies and moving lyrics that now all sound like my tears at night when I await the sound of your bass that never sounds the same in any other soul. Those songs that sting my chest when I hear them on the radio.

The bolded part is what I like. Tears at night makes me think of rain at night. It's a pretty sound when rain falls on soft grass and tin roofs; its pretty when the moon primps herself in rippling ponds. And the connection of music, memories, emotions and tears could be brought together with an image of rain, maybe.

The rest is prose more than poetry. If you write it again, try to keep the lines shorter. Maybe 6 to 8 words (10 syllables). Add more word pictures, because they are more effective for the reader; and writing them will make you think a lot harder about what you're saying and why you're saying it.

I know I might sound snarky and prickish. Sorry. I'm really not hating on your work. I do think you could take this concept and express it well.

Mikey.[/b]

[sophieatezombie]

Thank you very much for your feedback. I have been writing for years and have never been critiqued on any of my work so it's great to hear how I can improve.

[Todd]

Hi, welcome to the site! I love the name you've chosen for yourself. Here are some comments for you:

This is a good idea for a poem. We tend to link songs with moments in our life, and the relationships we had when we first heard them.

I think you want to express the essence of this idea within these sentences you've put down here. Right now, you have a free write that could be a poem, but isn't yet.

Read this yourself and ask, does my title point me in the right direction. I don't think it does. To me your true title is "Those Same Songs"

Let's say you made that change, pull that phrase out of what you've written and reapproah your idea. Now remove all filler, and try again. Consider making your strongest lines your opening. The truth about poetry is in many ways everything needs to be your strongest lines.

Here's an example to point you toward what I'm talking about not to rewrite this:

Those Same Songs

Sound like my tears at night
Today I'm remembering
less memorable moments.
Once joyful tunes


And so on...

Not saying that's a perfect approach, but I hope this helps.

Best,

Todd

Today I'm remembering. Smaller, less memorable moments. While we were busy making memories, the music we heard at those moments are now affiliated with the raging heartache I feel when I hear those same songs. It's those same songs that used to be joyful tunes with upbeat melodies and moving lyrics that now all sound like my tears at night when I await the sound of your bass that never sounds the same in any other soul. Those songs that sting my chest when I hear them on the radio.

[NakedBear]

Thank you very much for your feedback. I have been writing for years and have never been critiqued on any of my work so it's great to hear how I can improve.

I'm glad you like feedback.

I've read over my own post and think I did not give due credit to the worth of you ideas; I was too negative. So ignore my post above and focus on Todd's, which is far more helpful.

And do keep writing, and do post it up here. I'll try to be in a more helpful mood then.

Mikey.

[Volaticus]

I can see a lot of potential in this piece The subject is something I think a lot of us can relate to.
I look forward to read the edit, should you decide to rewrite it