Bottled Up

[saeity]

Edit 2

Cosseted
from the cold,
wrapt;
her movable
blanket
added warmth.
Lying
still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess
a million flies can’t be wrong.


Edit 1

Cosseted
from the cold,
wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

ORIGINAL:

Cosseted
from the cold
and wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying,
Still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

[Bloggsworth]

Rapt or wrapped, but not wrapt...

[Crepuscule]

Cosseted
from the cold
and wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
Still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

It's difficult to understand. Are the flies the blanket? I think it loses much of the power it might have in ambiguity, but I'm intrigued. Is it about decay?

[saeity]

Rapt or wrapped, but not wrapt...

Hi Bloggsworth thankyou for your critique,
If there was a word I knew that was going to be picked up it was wrapt
I'm intrigued as to why not- it means to be covered in paper or soft material and seeing as fly's can be squished well....

Hi CatfishJim, anything that contains a million flies must be about decay thankyou for commenting.

saeity.

[NakedBear]

wrapt is a fine word, imho.

Mikey.

[joshuacan]

I really like this. The imagery is vague enough to let the reader create their own image, but loses no potency. It seems like a snap-shot of death and the tone carries this well. I leave with an impression, but not a lasting element to take away from it. If you added a single, telling line that forcefully imprints a lasting and memorable image to define the theme, this poem would be perfect to me.

[mariamuse]

Love the last line. Can nearly smell the putrid.

[justcloudy]

hehe. all I can think of is zombies. ;p

well done. not sure about the random capitalization of Still though? I'd probably do:
"lying
still, kicking"
word choice there is magic though! =]

[newsclippings]

Cosseted
from the cold
and wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
Still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

I've been googling putrefaction and biorecovery all week.
Death's a smelly thing.

[NakedBear]

Cosseted
from the cold shouldn't there be a comma here?
and wrapt, if you do add a comma above, you could drop 'and' on this line. The problem with 'and' here is that it makes wrapping sound like its being done in addition to cosseting, when in fact it is the (manner of) cosseting. EDIT: edited comment for clarity.
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
Still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

This is very vivid and I enjoyed reading it.

Mikey.

[saeity]

Hi NakedBear, it's good to have that word deemed acceptable and I have incorporated your comma position in revision thankyouuuu

Hi joshuacan, I'm thinking another line may not bring anything more to the table so to speak, and am really counting on the title to clarify further Bottled Up- blue bottles

Hi mariamuse, thanks- lucky it's not scratch and sniff heh

Hi justcloudy, I took your comments on board and yes , it was a tad obscure as my reason for capitalising, I wanted to bring out the unsavoury character in the piece after all you do not lie dead for days on on end without anyone wondering where you are , I hope by italicizing it I haven't lost any of it's meaning - so thankyou

Hi newsclippings- ah death, grisly yes, lovely muse though thankyou

[tectak]

Cosseted
from the cold,
wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

ORIGINAL:

Cosseted
from the cold
and wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
Still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

Hi saeity,
First off, I like it so read on. This is what you wrote:

Cosseted from the cold, wrapt, her movable blanket added warmth, lying-Still (?. I get it. Is it worth it?), kicking up a stink; such a good friend? I guess, a million flies can’t be wrong.

Now, that is ALL you wrote. Once you take out the expanding line breaks you can see that this is terse. You can also "see" the punctuation problems. There are few because you have written very little...but surely, that means that correction is simplified. OK. Here goes.

Cosseted from the cold, wrapt; her movable blanket added warmth. Lying, still kicking up a stink; such a good friend? I guess a million flies can’t be wrong.

I may have punctuated in a way not intended by you. That's a risk you take when you leave things open to someone else's interpretation.

I would rather see:

Cosseted from the cold she is wrapt in her movable blanket; added warmth. Lying still and even now kicking up a stink; was she such a good friend? I guess. A million flies can’t be wrong.

...or as you would prefer:

Cosseted
from the cold
she is wrapt
in her movable blanket;
added warmth.
Lying still and
even now kicking up a stink;
was she such a good friend?
I guess.
A million flies can’t be wrong

Wrapt
is fine.

Best,
tectak

[saeity]

Cosseted
from the cold,
wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

ORIGINAL:

Cosseted
from the cold
and wrapt,
her movable
blanket
added warmth,
lying-
Still, kicking
up a stink;
such a good friend?
I guess,
a million flies can’t be wrong.

Hi saeity,
First off, I like it so read on. This is what you wrote:

Cosseted from the cold, wrapt, her movable blanket added warmth, lying-Still (?. I get it. Is it worth it?), kicking up a stink; such a good friend? I guess, a million flies can’t be wrong.

Now, that is ALL you wrote. Once you take out the expanding line breaks you can see that this is terse. You can also "see" the punctuation problems. There are few because you have written very little...but surely, that means that correction is simplified. OK. Here goes.

Cosseted from the cold, wrapt; her movable blanket added warmth. Lying, still kicking up a stink; such a good friend? I guess a million flies can’t be wrong.

I may have punctuated in a way not intended by you. That's a risk you take when you leave things open to someone else's interpretation.

I would rather see:

Cosseted from the cold she is wrapt in her movable blanket; added warmth. Lying still and even now kicking up a stink; was she such a good friend? I guess. A million flies can’t be wrong.

...or as you would prefer:

Cosseted
from the cold
she is wrapt
in her movable blanket;
added warmth.
Lying still and
even now kicking up a stink;
was she such a good friend?
I guess.
A million flies can’t be wrong

Wrapt
is fine.

Best,
tectak

Hi tectak, writing out a piece like that sure adds clarity to the mistakes thankyou I have decided to keep it rather stark as i feel it adds to the atmosphere of the piece thankyou for your advice.
saeity.