Nothing at the center

[NakedBear]

Damn!
It’s just a ring
It’s just a vow
And both are empty at the center.

And how we talk around it,
this void we know so well.

My tongue is brass encircled.

If not, I’d plead with you
to know my thoughts, offensive to myself.
I’d say to fuck with both:
that we could swear another oath,
between ourselves.

I’d take you with both hands
and we could be fulfilled,
-- sometimes --
and cease to talk around
this void we know so well.

EDIT: made small change suggested by Leanne.
EDIT 2: changed 'a new' to 'another'.

[Leanne]

Brilliant concept for a poem, Mikey.

For the sake of rhythm, would you consider "swear another oath" instead of "swear a new oath"?

Also, maybe dashes around -- sometimes -- as an aside rather than commas.

But such little things, because I really like this idea and the way you've delivered it.

[NakedBear]

Brilliant concept for a poem, Mikey.

For the sake of rhythm, would you consider "swear another oath" instead of "swear a new oath"?

How important is it to end on a strong beat? On the one hand I don't want to rob 'oath' of any punch, yet I still like 'new' here. 'New': Not just another oath that might fail, although it may, but a fresh oath, not stale and hollow like the ones before.

Hmmm... I'll think it over. Thanks.

Also, maybe dashes around -- sometimes -- as an aside rather than commas.

But such little things, because I really like this idea and the way you've delivered it.

I'm pleased you like it. I still worry about offending sensibilities with what I write.

Mikey.

[Leanne]

If you don't offend someone, you're not doing it right

How about this:

If not, I’d plead with you
to know my thoughts, offensive to myself.
I’d say to fuck with both:
We'd swear a new oath,
between ourselves.

[NakedBear]

If you don't offend someone, you're not doing it right

How about this:

If not, I’d plead with you
to know my thoughts, offensive to myself.
I’d say to fuck with both:
We'd swear a new oath,
between ourselves.

At last! Permission to offend!

The change works for meter, and its clear I still have much to learn about rhythm. But the phrasing sounds like speaker is sure of the outcome, when I don't fancy he is.

And now that this line is being discussed, I realize it's also the linchpin to this thing, for me, and so I should sleep on it a bit before deciding (it is 2am for me, after all!).

Thanks again for your time. Good-night.

Mikey.

[NakedBear]

I think I'll change 'a new' to 'another' so I can keep the 'could' and allow 'oath' more weight.

Mikey.

[PeaceGirl Wilkins]

I really enjoyed the concept of this poem. It was very unique and different. I especially love this part. "It’s just a ring/It’s just a vow/And both are empty at the center./And how we talk around it,/this void we know so well." But I want to urge to ask why do you claim vows to be empty as well. I can see where it makes sense but just want to know your view. That's an interesting topic.

[NakedBear]

I really enjoyed the concept of this poem. It was very unique and different. I especially love this part. "It’s just a ring/It’s just a vow/And both are empty at the center./And how we talk around it,/this void we know so well." But I want to urge to ask why do you claim vows to be empty as well. I can see where it makes sense but just want to know your view. That's an interesting topic.

Are you wearing a ring? It looks like it.

A vow doesn't have to be empty; it's just empty for speaker. And yet, his tongue is encircled by the ring, so he still retains a sense of restraint regarding those thoughts even he finds offensive. So, just how empty is that vow for him? Maybe he just wants it to be empty? Why would he want that?

Maybe it isn't empty of things which restrain him, but is empty of things he really longs for. Maybe this conflict puts him in conflict when he perceives the same feelings in this other person.

In the end, it means one thing for me, and maybe a something a bit different for you and others.

Regardless how you read it, I'm glad you like it and took the time to comment.

Mikey.