Comme un Violon

[softlyfalling]

I am not permitted to delete, it seems

[Todd]

Hi Amy,

This sets a nice mood. Some suggestions to consider:

I'm going to make some cuts and changes because its easier to show you what I mean. Not trying to rewrite just play editor for a bit.

Comme un Violon

I resonate with Your fingertip confessions--love this
On my arching neck resonate.
You breathe deeply,
Lips parted.
I sing with every rhythmic stroke
On my humming body.
We are as one
Making music.

I know it is my second one today....I will do LOTS of commenting to atone

Enjoyed this

[softlyfalling]

I love the first of your suggested edits and thank you for the input. It sometimes takes a more detached ear to hear all of the rhythms and patterns, don't you think?
But, the second suggestion, I will gratefully and humbly decline...I believe to change it like this would alter the entire meaning...the way it is written, my body is responding to erotic touch. The way you suggest changes that to my own action, my song, even if it comes from the arousal of touch.
I hope that even makes sense. That is how I feel it.

[Todd]

Amy, I'm of the use what you like, ignore what you don't school. I fully believe that you are always the best filter for your own work.

[NakedBear]

Well, I just had few naughty thoughts. Enjoyed!

Mikey.

[softlyfalling]

Naughty thoughts create heat. Heat creates fire. Fire creates and creates and creates....just ask the Phoenix.

[tmanzano]

Comme un Violon

Your fingertip confessions
Resonate on my arching neck.
You breathe deeply,
Lips parted.
I sing with every rhythmic stroke
On my humming body.
We are as one
Making music.

I know it is my second one today....I will do LOTS of commenting to atone

This is seductive. From a mans perspective I have always been the most taken by the need of my partner for me. The more they wanted me, the more intoxicating the romance would become and the more, in turn, I needed them. This is what I take from this sexually charged yet tasteful piece.

"On my humming body"

wonderful, much enjoyed. Great line.[/font]

[softlyfalling]

Comme un Violon

Your fingertip confessions
Resonate on my arching neck.
You breathe deeply,
Lips parted.
I sing with every rhythmic stroke
On my humming body.
We are as one
Making music.

I know it is my second one today....I will do LOTS of commenting to atone

This is seductive. From a mans perspective I have always been the most taken by the need of my partner for me. The more they wanted me, the more intoxicating the romance would become and the more, in turn, I needed them. This is what I take from this sexually charged yet tasteful piece.

"On my humming body"

wonderful, much enjoyed. Great line.[/font]

I thank you, kind gentleman. I found it challenging to edge as close to erotic as i could and still be sublime. The previous ones I wrote were far too abstract to even come close. It would be easier to jump over the line and write authentic erotica, really.

[DoReMi]

Comme un Violon

Your fingertip confessions
Resonate on my arching neck.
You breathe deeply,
Lips parted.
I sing with every rhythmic stroke
On my humming body.
We are as one
Making music.

I know it is my second one today....I will do LOTS of commenting to atone

I like this. Very erotic. It flows beautifully, and creates a very intimate tone. My only query might be with the last line. The metaphor of music making throughout is very strong, but I can't help but feel that "making" despite the alliterative appeal, isn't a very strong verb - it doesn't quite match the strength of the passion in the rest of the piece. I know this is unhelpful, since I can't think of an apt replacement, but does this feel true to you? Can you think of anything stronger, which flows as well? Sorry for my inability to be properly constructive.

[Todd]

To DoReMi's point.

You could go one level deeper and replace making music with the actual music;

Maybe replace the last two lines with

We are one note.

[softlyfalling]

To DoReMi's point.

You could go one level deeper and replace making music with the actual music;

Maybe replace the last two lines with

We are one note.

I think one note is not complex enough to represent passion and emotion...perhaps one song? Would that still be stronger?

[Todd]

I think so, or harmony. It's the actual music though so it feels closer to what you might want.

[softlyfalling]

I think so, or harmony. It's the actual music though so it feels closer to what you might want.

What is your response to the edit? Curiouser and curioser....

[Todd]

I think so, or harmony. It's the actual music though so it feels closer to what you might want.

What is your response to the edit? Curiouser and curioser....

I like it. I might suggest a slight change on your final two lines to simply:

We are one music.

Beyond that, no issues at all.