THE LIST

[Tommy]

My fingers peck at the keys
Much slower than the rush of ideas falling from my head
Why didn’t I learn to type better?
I will put it on the list
The list of things I don’t do very well
Which grows longer and louder each day
Mocking me.
I had something better to say
But I’ve forgotten it while I thought about the list
The list is smiling in that knowing way
Enjoying that my ideas have flown away
Who gave the list a voice inside my head?
“Was it me? Did I do that?” I ask the list.
The list just smiles and says, “Tennis!”
I add tennis to the list.

[DoReMi]

My fingers peck at the keys
Much slower than the rush of ideas falling from my head
Why didn’t I learn to type better?
I will put it on the list
The list of things I don’t do very well
Which grows longer and louder each day
Mocking me.
I had something better to say
But I’ve forgotten it while I thought about the list
The list is smiling in that knowing way
Enjoying that my ideas have flown away
Who gave the list a voice inside my head?
“Was it me? Did I do that?” I ask the list.
The list just smiles and says, “Tennis!”
The list adds tennis to the list.

I love this. I empathise with this. I think I'd perhaps take "falling" out of the second line. Also, I think ideas flying away is a little too much of a fanciful image to capture the frustration and self-flagellation of the poem... I think it needs something more strained... "my ideas have slunk away"? But that's not right either... Any ideas?

[softlyfalling]

My thoughts? Tear up the effing list! Burn it and then bury the ashes! I had to laugh though...I am quite possibly the worst typist on planet Earth. I use two fingers and even they are renegades who do whatever they please.
So know this poets! My comments are all labors of love!

[justcloudy]

Hi Tommy, this poem is both funny and poignant, and the more I read it the more I like it. My brain works kind of like that. ;p

A few little things: it seems like the poem can't make up its mind whether to rhyme or not... I had a hard time with that. Also:

"Enjoying that my ideas have flown away
Who gave the list a voice inside my head?
“Was it me? Did I do that?” I ask the list."

These lines are a bit weak for me. The first doesn't flow well, and the question isn't as clear as it could be. The first few times I read it I wasn't sure what the writer was asking himself. It's your poem, so I don't want to give you suggestions of how I would write it, but if you reworked these three lines I think it'd become much stronger overall.

Anyway thanks for the enjoyable read. =]

[Tommy]

Thank you for your kind thoughts I'm glad you enjoyed this enough to comment. This poem really did just sort of fall out of my head while I was working on another poem. I wrote it pretty much as you see it about as fast as I could type it (which is slow). I too noticed with some amusement that some rhymes happened. They were not intentional but once I saw them I thought maybe they would add to the schizophrenic nature of the piece. I guess not. As for the whole "ideas flown away" thing I often experience my ideas taking flight like a flock of birds never to be seen again. I actually make a noise, with my lips, like flapping wings when this happens. Brains are funny things, at least mine is. The only real change I made was the last line. After I posted it I went back in for an edit, having to admit, dammit, that I am the one making the list. I'd like to burn it but I'm afraid it would be a 4 alarm fire!

[allykat727]

This was a fun poem to read I liked that it had personality and was somewhat nonchalant yet matter of fact.

I liked "which grows longer and louder each day/Mocking me." I think its a strong point in this piece. I liked the unconventional use of 'louder' and then the demonstration of how it was loud in the next line. Nice.

I might suggest that you take out "away" and just leave "Enjoying that my ideas have flown". I think it will flow better since the previous line ends with "way".

The ending was unexpected and humorous. Great job