Man & Wife

[Wjames]

Edit # 2:

No hope left,
I’ve lost my will
to live.

No dope left,
I’m out of pills
and gin.

Embracing surface
symmetry.
Rejecting purposed
imagery,
of sheltered smiling
searching sunset
infancy.

Dreamcast silver
solid pikes,
made out of human skulls.

Window seated
man and wife,
drown the coach with love.

Angry voices in my head
sense the sight
and smile.

Midnight murder flowing red
cold delight
reviles.



Original:


Dreamcast silver
solid pikes,
made out of human skulls.

Window seated
man and wife,
drown the coach with love.

Angry voices in my head
sense the sight
and smile.

Midnight murder flowing red;
cold delight
reviles.

[NakedBear]

Dreamcast silver
solid pikes,
made out of human skulls.

Window seated
man and wife,
drown the coach with love.

Angry voices in my head
sense the sight
and smile.

Midnight murder flowing red;
cold delight
reviles.

L3: drop 'out'
L7: I wonder how a voice smiles, so maybe 'people' instead.

Is speaker murdering man and wife by drowning them in their coach? Or is the couple committing murder of the coach? It isn't exactly clear to me what is going on here. Luckily the reading goes along fairly smoothly, which is good.

Generally I think the first stanza is most unclear. What is "dreamcast" and how does that and 'silver' relate to pikes made of skulls?

I think a little more clairity could really make this poem work well. Its macabre enough to tickly me funny bones, and it all sounds pretty good.

Mikey.

[cidermaid]

Hi Wjames,

Similar to Mikey i had a few problems getting into this but likewise liked the tone and overall read. I'll give a few thoughts on how i read this and anything that comes to me about this. My appoligies for the amount of comments i'd forgotten which thread I was in.

Dreamcast silver This first stanza places me in mind that this is a dream but further I get an image of a silver life line from the pikes...then further that these dream state, silver life lines are somehow more solid than just a dream and they have a nasty spike on the end. However I am left unsure whether this is a view seen from the first person or a second person account
solid pikes,
made out of human skulls. I do struggle a bit here because you have just told me they are made of silver...but it still kind of works because of the lifeline connection in my mind...so human referance introduces the image that this is going to be something a bit sinister.

Window seated
man and wife, Ok the introduction of our subjects. (I've been told it is man and wife in the title so is this needed could these lines be used to give me some more information about the whys of this story). The window seated, gives this a pastoral tone and air of normality
drown the coach with love. Hmm... not sure of the images here. I am left unsure again. Have we gone all historical and this is a coach n four, is it a bus or train coach. I do get a picture in my head of the happy couple being all over each other in thier affections.

Angry voices in my head
sense the sight
and smile. I disagree about the idea of a voice not being able to convey a smile. I think that because it is plural voice[s] this makes for a solid image. Like a room will convey an emoition or atmospher from the general hubub of noise. I think this image or picture would still work even it it was single voice. The inflection given to the spoken word is well able to convey a second or deeper meaning than the written word. But ifeel there is some further confusion her as to the speaker / narator and what the voices have to smile about. Perhaps a bit more thought as to if the angry voices are heard as part of a dream or are observed by a third party. Also the last scene was pastoral and lovey / dovey why the anger?I got a bit confused here...it happens a lot in my world!

Midnight murder flowing red;
cold delight
reviles. All solid and good images. I'm now thinking murder on the orient express (so a train coach). Was it a phisical murder or a dreamed one...it maters not i think the thought was the deed.

Overall i think this has a lot going for it and I do like a story or poem with a twist in so this won my vote on subject.
AJ.

[justcloudy]

This flows so beautifully, I wanted to read it over and over just for the rhythm. But yes the story leaves a bit to be desired. Also, the mystical quality of the first stanzas vs the rest threw me a bit. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a tad confusing. Even among the confusion, I still love it. =]

[softlyfalling]

I...well, I just don't get it.
My thoughts ricocheted off in tangents every which way when I read this and I couldn't follow all of them. Any of them.
Even so, I read it twice because it sounded evocative in my head...almost scary, like some sort of eerie incantation overheard in the next room of a run down motel.
I won't insult you and ask you to explain it.

[Wjames]

Thanks for the constructive feedback people, I can see how this one was confusing. The whole thing was based around the feelings you (or maybe more correctly, I) get when feeling lonely/depressed/angry, and you see a happy couple flaunting their love.

The first stanza wasn't meant to be anything concrete, just sort of expressing the subconscious state of mind the person seeing the couple is in before he/she does. I'll probably make some changes to this one later. Thanks for reading .

[Wjames]

I've added two new stanzas at the beginning, which might help clarify this one a little bit.

[justcloudy]

Hey there,
Good work on the edit, yes it makes more sense now. You're halfway there, now all you need to do is address the problem of continuity. The first two stanzas feel and flow very differently from the others. I see what you wanted to do, and story-wise you succeeded, but there needs to be more of a connection between the first and last parts. Keep at it!

[Keith]

I Take this as the jealousy a widower may feel towards young couples displaying their love without care and wanting to murder them so a well told story, if I have it correct, great flow to the piece somewhat spoiled by your edit if I could suggest you combine the two added stanzas into one three line opening eg
I’m all alone,
with no life left
no food, laughter or smiles
Or something that keeps your original flow also when you post an edit it helps the reader if you keep the original with the edit so the changes are easily read without going through the thread. Hope this helps TOMH

[Wjames]

Thanks for the help guys, I have just changed the beginning and I think it is much better now. I still feel it could transition better from the beginning to what I had in the original, so I am going to keep tinkering around with it.