Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
If I stand very close
lean into you just a little
my thigh touching yours
my breast against your chest
your hand on my hip
lips against my neck
if we sway just a little
to some blues syncopating-
If we fell in love blind
though you say you don't do it…
Will you dance?
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
This is subtle in the way it opens up slowly... builds up to the fist embrace and consequent dance. Every gesture is erotic in a graceful, gracious way. But may I offer one suggestion? There is a conflict of tense between the first and second lines..."stood" should crrespond to "lean"....perhaps use "stand" instead? I am ever an advocate for present tense anyway, unless the mood demands a historical detachment or romantic memory.
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-21-2013, 01:07 AM)softlyfalling Wrote: This is subtle in the way it opens up slowly... builds up to the fist embrace and consequent dance. Every gesture is erotic in a graceful, gracious way. But may I offer one suggestion? There is a conflict of tense between the first and second lines..."stood" should crrespond to "lean"....perhaps use "stand" instead? I am ever an advocate for present tense anyway, unless the mood demands a historical detachment or romantic memory.
Hi Softlyfalling, thank you so much for reading and your thoughts on this. You are so right re the tense problem and I have made that correction on the original. I appreciate your comment, I am enjoying your lovely poetry.
Heart
