The man and the whale

[Carile]

He stood on the
Border between grey earth and wind
That I was told carried
So much blue you wouldn't believe,
So many tears you'd laugh or leave.

All he had to do there
While chiseling his great great age
Was to show me the lines
Of the wild one living in brine,
Whose sorrows are beyond compare:

Like a mess, a long mass
of flesh slowly swinging along
In the mesh of no sea.

He said there was no cure
Once you fell from the sky and sure
enough into the cold
Fog far from your fellow people:
He said there was no cure at all.

Then a kid's memory
Was opened to one and each tale
Of storms and death, and whale
Traveling in the foam above
To the realm of an exile.

So much blue you wouldn't believe,
So many tears you'd laugh or leave.

[Todd]

Hi Carlie,

I'd recommend you moving future posts to at least mild so critiquers can go into more detail with you. A couple quick housekeeping comments first. The title does not have to be put in the thread. The subject line is sufficient. Colons don't require a space before them. To the poem:

The man and the whale

He stood on the fuzzy--For the most part, I like your line breaks. This is an exception. Why break on fuzzy and not on border?
Border between grey earth and wind--This is pretty phrasing but I think it might be even stronger if you cut fuzzy
That I was told carried
So much blue you wouldn't believe,
So many tears you'd laugh or leave.

All he had to do there
While chiseling his great great age--I like the repetition here. Also, chiseling makes me think of the Renaissance
Was to show me the lines
Of the wild one living in brine,--another nice line
Whose sorrows are beyond compare :

Like a mess, a long mass
of flesh slowly swinging along
In the mesh of no sea.

He said there was no cure
Once you fell from the sky and sure
enough into the cold
Fog far from your fellow people :--nice progression with the enjambment on these last few lines
He said there was no cure at all.

Then a kid's memory
Was opened to one and each tale
Of storms and death, and whale
Traveling in the foam above
To the realm of an exilee.--minor typo: exile

So much blue you wouldn't believe,
So many tears you'd laugh or leave.

Again, I don't want to overload you in novice. You've got a good concept, and I enjoyed the read. The main area I'd think of improving is looking for parts to condense. It's not that anything seemed horribly off just that it could be done with less words without sacrificing tone or content. Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Carile]

Thank you for your comment, Todd.

"Why break on fuzzy and not on border ?" -> because I wanted rhythm to be very regular in this poem. I think I can make an exception for the first line, though.

"... if you cut fuzzy" -> so, in your opinion, would it be better if I put "fuzzy" at the beginning of the 2nd line, or if I removed it ? Personnally I don't mind suppressing it, because the other solution would alter the symetry of the 2nd line in a way I don't really find desirable. It would make it sound verbose - I'll keep the idea of "doing more with less".

... And, sorry for the typo. ^^"

[Todd]

Typos happen, no matter what we do.

In my opinion: remove fuzzy.

But that's again just my take. For me, the adjective weakens the phrasing.

[newsclippings]

the rest of the poem sounds serene and serious, with the exception of fuzzy

i agree with todd