Sun Come Shine

[saeity]

You lie…
whilst I
sit back relaxed,
absorbing…
taking it all in.
…..You lie
your arms,
now outstretched,
as I watch
beads of sweat
form across your brow.
You say you’re cold,
I say I know,
You say I love you
as I sit back and watch
as you lie…..

[abu nuwas]

I rather like this affair - is -over poem, for its brevity and play on words (lie, cold, absorb, take in). I would hasard the guess (because that is what people do with guesses), that you were inspired by the first two lines -- which rhyme. I think it a pity you did not throw in one or two more to maintain that taut, yet not too serious tone. For me also, the longer lines would be better chopped up or replaced, even if it meant another couple of lines, and breaking it up into two short stanzas. I also wondered about the speaker's seemingly superior position: it rang a little hollow..

I hope this helps,if you edit.

E

[saeity]

Thankyou Abu for your detailed response i have revised and shortened the lines in question, as for the speaker 'knowing' of a significant others infidelity often tends to render them cold and empty - once again thankyou.

saeity.