Bridge

[softlyfalling]

I am not permitted to delete, it seems

[Leanne]

Hello and welcome!

This poem has a really interesting central theme that could be enhanced by removing some of the extraneous words. For example, why do you need "geocentric" in L3? It's implied and doesn't need to be explicitly stated. Similarly, "archipelago" implies shores so "shores" doesn't really need to be there. I do like "a macrocosmic expression of his dream"

In S2, L2, just "looked" would do instead of "looked down".

In S3, L3 I find "cleaved heavy heart" quite odd and awkward.

These are all small things. As I said, the overall idea is a good one and I'd love to see what you can come up with on an edit.

PS. Thanks for leaving feedback already -- that's EXACTLY the kind of thing we like to see

[softlyfalling]

Thank you, Leanne...I will take your comments to heart. I cannot always accommodate when there is meter and syllable count to contend with, as removing words intrinsically eaves a void which must be filled. Let me say that I very very much appreciate your feedback. I would love to give a bit of explanation, however...
"Looked down" was purposeful and meant to imply the ascended position and perspective of God as opposed to the mundane world.
"archipelago" is referencing islands in this case, not a body of water. "Shores" designates where the edges of the islands touch the sea, a demarcation as such...
I will think about "cleaved heavy heart" but in truth, I like it.

[Leanne]

I hadn't noticed the meter -- you're trying for iambic pentameter in blank verse? That explains why you've left out the article before "cosmic sea" -- but on that line "geocentric" really throws the rhythm. You could fix that easily by changing it to "Thus forming geocentric cosmic sea".

S1 L5 is off-meter in that case... "expression" might be the problem, is there a two syllable word that would fit there?

---

PS. Doesn't archipelago always reference islands?

[softlyfalling]

Thank you SO much Leanne! I am not educated in literature and meter is hard to grasp when self taught. I appreciate your feedback..I loved it, really. Could you check over the edit I did please?
I am not sure exactly what iambic pentameter is, but i was hearing the words a certain way and was going for consistency. Is the meter inappropriate to the form?

[Aphroditeny]

I thought this was extremely beautiful!

[justcloudy]

hi softlyfalling,

this took me a couple reads to grasp, but I find it quite lovely. the outsider's perspective is refreshing and interesting.

I agree with Leanne that "cleaved a heavy heart" doesn't really work... in my mind I have the image of God with a huge red dripping heart in one hand and a butcher's cleaver in the other... don't think that's what you're going for. but of course I'm just one, so if you really like it, keep it.

one more little thing:
"Time laughed and measured their futility,
He was devoid of life and without blood,"
I like the idea but it didnt work for me. I didn't understand that Time was He at first, and then I kept reading "Time laughed AT". maybe you could look into tweaking your word choice.

anyway, thanks for the read, really did enjoy it.

[Leanne]

"sanction" does work well indeed

There are lots of exercises to help with meter on site, especially in this thread, but getting the rhythm fixed in your head and then fitting in the words -- as it sounds like you've done -- is a very good place to start. As to whether it's appropriate -- it is if it sounds good, that's the only requirement as far as I'm concerned!

[softlyfalling]

hi softlyfalling,

this took me a couple reads to grasp, but I find it quite lovely. the outsider's perspective is refreshing and interesting.

I agree with Leanne that "cleaved a heavy heart" doesn't really work... in my mind I have the image of God with a huge red dripping heart in one hand and a butcher's cleaver in the other... don't think that's what you're going for. but of course I'm just one, so if you really like it, keep it.

one more little thing:
"Time laughed and measured their futility,
He was devoid of life and without blood,"
I like the idea but it didnt work for me. I didn't understand that Time was He at first, and then I kept reading "Time laughed AT". maybe you could look into tweaking your word choice.

anyway, thanks for the read, really did enjoy it.

---

Thank you...as with all critiques as courteous and helpful as yours, I will sincerely think about your suggestions. Especially about the line "cleaved heavy heart"...the other part you suggested changes for would lose the inherent connotation if i add "AT"...it would not be the image I wanted any more, but thank you.