Posts: 19
Threads: 8
Joined: Feb 2013
I'm the mirror on your wall,
right across from your bed,
and as your best friend,
there's some things that need to be said,
look at me and you see you,
look at me closer and you see truth,
trust me best friend, this movie is no spoof,
what moves me is your beauty,
you don't believe me? You need proof?
how about the times you sang your heart, out from the days of your youth?
or when your smile made my day, despite the missing tooth,
don't let these ignorant fools skew your point of view,
hurt people hurt people so they'll try to hurt you,
Ignore them, look at me, try to keep your virtue,
please believe me best friend, what I say to you is true,
look at me, see the rainbow your mom gave birth to.
Posts: 134
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2013
I enjoyed that read, and appreciate the sentiment (and even agree with it, dang it!).
Mikey.
Posts: 27
Threads: 6
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-15-2013, 01:56 PM)jmmc137 Wrote: I'm the mirror on your wall,
right across from your bed,
and as your best friend,
there's some things that need to be said,
look at me and you see you,
look at me closer and you see truth,
trust me best friend, this movie is no spoof,
what moves me is your beauty,
you don't believe me? You need proof?
how about the times you sang your heart, out from the days of your youth?
or when your smile made my day, despite the missing tooth,
don't let these ignorant fools skew your point of view,
hurt people hurt people so they'll try to hurt you,
Ignore them, look at me, try to keep your virtue,
please believe me best friend, what I say to you is true,
look at me, see the rainbow your mom gave birth to.
Hi
There's a nice gentle rhyme through this.
May I suggest taken out the (and) in L 5
the poem carrys it's mesage well
but the line with hurt people
I don't get that.
Posts: 19
Threads: 8
Joined: Feb 2013
(03-16-2013, 03:36 AM)Mattie Wrote: (03-15-2013, 01:56 PM)jmmc137 Wrote: I'm the mirror on your wall,
right across from your bed,
and as your best friend,
there's some things that need to be said,
look at me and you see you,
look at me closer and you see truth,
trust me best friend, this movie is no spoof,
what moves me is your beauty,
you don't believe me? You need proof?
how about the times you sang your heart, out from the days of your youth?
or when your smile made my day, despite the missing tooth,
don't let these ignorant fools skew your point of view,
hurt people hurt people so they'll try to hurt you,
Ignore them, look at me, try to keep your virtue,
please believe me best friend, what I say to you is true,
look at me, see the rainbow your mom gave birth to.
Hi
There's a nice gentle rhyme through this.
May I suggest taken out the (and) in L 5
the poem carrys it's mesage well
but the line with hurt people
I don't get that.
that line is literally saying that people who have been hurt tend to hurt other people. Thanks for the feedback(:
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-15-2013, 01:56 PM)jmmc137 Wrote: I'm the mirror on your wall,
right across from your bed,
and as your best friend,
there's some things that need to be said,
look at me and you see you,
look at me closer and you see truth,
trust me best friend, this movie is no spoof,
what moves me is your beauty,
you don't believe me? You need proof?
how about the times you sang your heart, out from the days of your youth?
or when your smile made my day, despite the missing tooth,
don't let these ignorant fools skew your point of view,
hurt people hurt people so they'll try to hurt you,
Ignore them, look at me, try to keep your virtue,
please believe me best friend, what I say to you is true,
look at me, see the rainbow your mom gave birth to.
the only thing I consider revising is -- the hurt people line
just rephrase it
I'm not much of a critic, but that 's all I saw that needed to be improved upon. Overall it had a nice flow
Posts: 24
Threads: 8
Joined: Feb 2013
I really liked this piece as well.
Agree on the line with hurt people, I got the point you were trying to make but it did make me pause and reread which kind of disrupted the flow.
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
(03-15-2013, 01:56 PM)jmmc137 Wrote: I'm the mirror on your wall,
right across from your bed,
and as your best friend,
there's some things that need to be said,
look at me and you see you,
look at me closer and you see truth,
trust me best friend, this movie is no spoof,
what moves me is your beauty,
you don't believe me? You need proof?
how about the times you sang your heart, out from the days of your youth?
or when your smile made my day, despite the missing tooth,
don't let these ignorant fools skew your point of view,
hurt people hurt people so they'll try to hurt you,
Ignore them, look at me, try to keep your virtue,
please believe me best friend, what I say to you is true,
look at me, see the rainbow your mom gave birth to.
This reminds me of when my ex would try to convince me over and over again that I wasn't just average but beautiful (silly man).
You don't need this many lines to say this one thing. It gets a little redundant and kitschy.
I'll be there in a minute.
emilylundquist
Unregistered
The poem has a really nice flow but I think you could make it more expedient. Like other users have said, late in the poem it becomes repetitive.
TheArtDisarray
Unregistered
Even with repetitiveness, I think this poem is fantastic, especially the uplifting sense I got from most of it. Gentle rhythm, good timing, overall I would say it is very nicely done.
|
