Ashes to Ashes

[raspberry89]

Why speak
when words become weak
and everything you want is in the darkness
and you are forever alone

Happiness will never meet you
and your prince will never seek you
You will die unknowing
from your heart with blood flowing

Beating and pumping
all of your life into nothing
You'll be a stain on the soil
until dust in the face of turmoil

[cidermaid]

Hi Raspberry and welcome to the site.

I think that overall this is a very nice piece.
I am not sure if the lack of punctuation is a deliberate choice or one of ommission. Normally I would put forward my personal preferance to have punctuation in a poem, but I actually think that your poem is one that reads well enough without the lack of puctuation being distacting. So this is one of those things that you need to decide for yourself.
My only real glitch in the read was in the last line. The use of until seems out of place and i'm wondering if it is needed at or.
Personally I would think about taking it out. But as ever ever crit offered is only meant as personal opinion and this is your poem to work on as you feel led.
Thanks for the read. I thought it conveyed the pain and isolation of failed relationships really well.
AJ.

[Todd]

Hi Leila, welcome to the site!

Some comments for you:

In general, I like to see a consistent meter with end rhyme, that said this doesn't put me off. You do have some inconsistency in the first stanza where you don't rhyme lines 3 and 4 and that stands out a bit.

There are times I think you could substitute adjectives like weak in line two for images and have a better result. In that instance, showing words becoming weak rather than stating it. It's like Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud" The image of the cloud grounds the idea of loneliness.

There are also some areas you could make some basic cuts. Examples to consider (they're all options after all), might be things like cutting "in the" in line 3 and "until" in the last line.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

Why speak
when words become weak
and everything you want is in the darkness
and you are forever alone

Happiness will never meet you
and your prince will never seek you
You will die unknowing
from your heart with blood flowing

Beating and pumping
all of your life into nothing
You'll be a stain on the soil
until dust in the face of turmoil