Because
#1
I am at peace because you're here
I am distraught because you're near
I smile because right now you're mine
I cry because you are divine

I breathe you in while you are here
I chocke on air as you come near
I melt because you say you're mine
I freeze because you are divine

I am at peace with you beside
And my distress I try to hide
I bravely smile in front of you 
While deep within I'm crying too

I am at peace when you are near
And my distress's no longer here
I smile because you are divine
I do not cry, because you're mine
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#2
Hi Aphroditeny, I like your rhyme scheme here AA/BB of iambic tetrameter - technically pleasing on the ear. Smile You may wish to revise 'distresse's' in S4 L2 -extra syllable, a tad pedantric, i know Smile thanks for the read.

saeity.
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#3
Hi,
I enoyed this very much.
One quick thing I picked up - did you mean choke in S2 L2.
Personally I also like to see some punctuation.

Thanks for the read
AJ.
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#4
Thank you! Smile
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#5
I enjoyed it. I like that you are playing with verbs to describe emotion but you kind of lost me after the because's. I don't think you got honest with me until the 3rd stanza.
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#6
(03-09-2013, 10:01 AM)Tommy Wrote:  I enjoyed it. I like that you are playing with verbs to describe emotion but you kind of lost me after the because's. I don't think you got honest with me until the 3rd stanza.

Thanks everyone!
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#7
Yes, I quite enjoyed this. He had a very good flow throughout.
Thanks for te read
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