Season's end

[Phantasm]

Nights only turn to fresh mornings in Spring
And in the Summer, day meets dawn
But when it comes to Autumn birds sing
That's why I never wrote you a song
Winter nights are the loneliest of them all
Humming until another season has risen
Suffice to say I walk in indefinite awe
Still trying to hug the line of the horizon
Not sailing the waters of your seas
Laying under the clear pebbles of rain
I would much rather lay under a canopy of trees
Kiss days no longer embellished in pain

[Leanne]

When I started reading this I thought it was going to be a sonnet -- with a few quick fixes to the meter and a rhyming couplet to finish, it could easily end up as one if you wanted. As it is, the meter is very bumpy and with such a rigid rhyme scheme it does stand out as a fault. It does end quite abruptly, which is another reason to add a couplet as a summation. The content itself is quite pretty and the song motif works well. I'll reserve further comment until I know what direction you want this to head in.

[tectak]

When I started reading this I thought it was going to be a sonnet -- with a few quick fixes to the meter and a rhyming couplet to finish, it could easily end up as one if you wanted. As it is, the meter is very bumpy and with such a rigid rhyme scheme it does stand out as a fault. It does end quite abruptly, which is another reason to add a couplet as a summation. The content itself is quite pretty and the song motif works well. I'll reserve further comment until I know what direction you want this to head in.

Yes me too punctuate before not after the meaning you wish to transmit is committed to a submission and the moving finger disappears over the edge of the mouse mat best tectak