The Middle

[Tommy]

Edit:
We live in the middle
Caught in between
Riding a wave into the unseen
We live for a moment
The blink of an eye
Blind to the future
That won’t be denied
We live all of our moments
Planning ahead
Waiting it seems
Facing with dread
A time when it’s over
When our dreams are dead

When life has escaped us
Where do we turn
What have we mattered
What did we learn
What did I do that an effect
On the ribbon of time
Stretching into what’s next
Did I spend all my moments
On worthless endeavor
Would it have mattered
If I lived forever
If forever just meant
That I’d have more time
To worry about tomorrow

Originally:
We live in the middle, caught in between, riding a wave into the unseen.
We live for a moment, the blink of an eye, blind to the future that won’t be denied.
We live all of our moments planning ahead, waiting it seems, facing with dread,
a time when it’s over, when our dreams have fled.

When life has escaped us, where do we turn?
What have we mattered? What did we learn?
What did I do that an effect on the ribbon of time stretching into what’s next?
Did I spend all my moments on worthless endeavor?
Would it have mattered if I’d lived forever?
If forever just meant that I’d have more time to worry about tomorrow?

[brandontoh]

We live in the middle, caught in between, riding a wave into the unseen.
We live for a moment, the blink of an eye, blind to the future that won’t be denied.
We live all of our moments planning ahead, waiting it seems, facing with dread, -- The repeat of moments weakened the punch of the poem. Try 'We live, waiting it seems, facing with dread,'. I think it flows better that way.
a time when it’s over, when our dreams have fled. -- Edging on cliche here.

When life has escaped us, where do we turn?
What have we mattered? What did we learn?
What did I do that an effect on the ribbon of time stretching into what’s next?
Did I spend all my moments on worthless endeavor?
Would it have mattered if I’d lived forever?
If forever just meant that I’d have more time to worry about tomorrow? -- This stanza in my opinion is a little too long. Try to cut down on the words. Also, the array of questions just feel redundant after awhile. For example, line 3 and 4 can be removed without taking away much from the poem. Overall, I really liked the poem though, so I hope you'll give it another look. Hope I'm of help! =)

[milemke08]

We live in the middle, caught in between, riding a wave into the unseen.
We live for a moment, the blink of an eye, blind to the future that won’t be denied.
We live all of our moments planning ahead, waiting it seems, facing with dread,
a time when it’s over, when our dreams have fled.

When life has escaped us, where do we turn?
What have we mattered? What did we learn?
What did I do that an effect on the ribbon of time stretching into what’s next? Reduce the syllables here. If you read aloud, this sentence really stops the flow
Did I spend all my moments on worthless endeavor?
Would it have mattered if I’d lived forever?
If forever just meant that I’d have more time to worry about tomorrow?

The ending feels a little weak too. The message is there, just adjust your syllables a little to keep the flow going.

[Tommy]

Thank you for the suggestions. No real edit here, only a quick question. Does it read/flow better this way?

We live in the middle
Caught in between
Riding a wave into the unseen
We live for a moment
The blink of an eye
Blind to the future
That won’t be denied
We live all of our moments
Planning ahead
Waiting it seems
Facing with dread
A time when it’s over
When our dreams are dead

When life has escaped us
Where do we turn?
What have we mattered?
What did we learn?
What did I do that an effect
On the ribbon of time
Stretching into what’s next?
Did I spend all my moments
On worthless endeavor?
Would it have mattered
If I lived forever?
If forever just meant
That I’d have more time
To worry about tomorrow

[softlyfalling]

Your rewrite after considering the comments above (which were precise and kind at the same time) is excellent and shows an open mind and flexible skill.
It is tricky to use a series of questions and still hold a commanding interest. As this is essential to your narrative, i can only suggest using a sort of enjambment of punctuation ( LOL) and omit some of the question marks. These make the reader stop and the stanza becomes quite staccato.

[justcloudy]

hi Tommy,

I have to admit I thought this piece a bit banal at first, but as I reread it grew on me, you have some thought-provoking ideas in it. your edit certainly flows better but the third line should be split in two beginning at "into"

"What did I do that an effect
On the ribbon of time
Stretching into what’s next?" <-- my favorite part. though I might suggest "stretched"

in general, some of the lines seem to be there just for the sake of the rhyme, "facing with dread" for example (which grammatically doesn't even work. "facing our dread" or "faced with dread" would work better)

just my two cents. with a bit of work and maybe some trimming it could be quite nice. =]

[Mattie]

We live in the middle, caught in between, riding a wave into the unseen.
We live for a moment, the blink of an eye, blind to the future that won’t be denied.
We live all of our moments planning ahead, waiting it seems, facing with dread,
a time when it’s over, when our dreams have fled.

When life has escaped us, where do we turn?
What have we mattered? What did we learn?
What did I do that an effect on the ribbon of time stretching into what’s next?
Did I spend all my moments on worthless endeavor?
Would it have mattered if I’d lived forever?
If forever just meant that I’d have more time to worry about tomorrow?

I like this very much
brought humour delight to a early morning flight!.
Nice rhyme throughout,
and reason the last words don't hold water.
You can't photograph the future.
Bob Marley left us messages likeon't Worry About a Thing.
Enjoyed this writing folk.