Revised One in a Million Poem

[Claire]

Edited

I want to say
a million words
to you.

Instead,
I stop the list at
one,
down to a single,
ordinary word.

This day seems
full of possibilities,
full of promise.

The blossomed leaves
are new with chance,
like me, each day.
I wish I could
be that
singing bird perched
on the windowsill,
so free with no worries
on its mind.

There would be
no wonder of what to say or
what to feel.

Maybe, then, I would
have courage
to do
the impossible.

Please listen;
please care.

For, what I am about to say
took me time to realize
I can.


I dare myself to walk
toward you,
so unpredictable.

Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.

I want to say
a million words
to you.

Instead,
I stop the list at
one,
down to a single,
ordinary word.

You smile
at me
as I look
at you.


Nervously, I hold my breath and
tell you
the only word I can,
the one that starts this all: “Hello.”

Unedited

One in a Million

I want to say
a million words
to you.

Instead,
I stop the list at
one.

I am down to
a single word,
hoping you will
say the same.

If I could tell you
what has always been
on my mind,
maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.

Maybe, I would be
speaking to you
right now.

Maybe, there would be
no wonder of what to say or
what to feel.

Please listen,
please care.

For what I am about to say,
took me time to realize
I can.

It is not much,
just one word,
but it is the courage
I worked to gain.

This is what
I never thought
I would do.

I dare myself to walk
toward you,
so unpredictable.

Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.

I wish I could
turn around,
forget about all this,
but I am
already standing
in front of you.

I want to say
a million words
to you.

Instead,
I stop the list at
one.


I am down to
a single word,
hoping you will
say the same.

You smile
at me
as I look
at you.

I hold my breath and
tell you
the only word I can,
the word that starts all this: “Hello.”

[Todd]

Hi Claire,

Let's take a look at what you've done.

Edited

I want to say
a million words
to you.

Instead,
I stop the list at
one,
down to a single,
ordinary word.--You may want to condense this a bit maybe cut the comma after one and the "down to a"

This day seems
full of possibilities,
full of promise.--again this line could likely go

The blossomed leaves
are new with chance,--Be careful not to be too leading with your images. I'd consider avoiding the with chance type indicators. Let the reader draw what they will from the image. The blossomed leaves are new like me is really nice phrasing. Resist interpreting the image
like me, each day.
I wish I could
be that
singing bird perched
on the windowsill,
so free with no worries--again resist interpreting the image
on its mind.

There would be
no wonder of what to say or
what to feel.

Maybe, then, I would
have courage
to do
the impossible.

Please listen;
please care.

For, what I am about to say
took me time to realize
I can.--don't know if this line is needed


I dare myself to walk
toward you,
so unpredictable.

Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.--still love this

I want to say
a million words
to you.

Instead,
I stop the list at
one,
down to a single,
ordinary word.--same comment as before

You smile
at me
as I look
at you.--I'd cut this as it bleeds the tension from the moment. The ambiguity serves you better


Nervously, I hold my breath and
tell you
the only word I can,
the one that starts this all: “Hello.”

This is a good poem Claire. I like where you're taking it. I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Claire]

Thank you! That helped alot