Billy the kid

[escorial]

shot me with his gun
we went into space
walked the streets
camped on wasteland
fought each other
stole pints of milk

ran with the crowd
we were loud
found out he was dead
standing at his grave
you commin out
billy the kid
___________

[Claire]

My advice for you on this poem is to make the lines of it more like sentences, instead a list. The wording is a little short and narrow. You could possibly write about how you felt when you found out he passed away, the read could connect to the story line a little more.

[escorial]

i feel brevity is my angle...between the lines i could put so much more in granted..i write with as we all do emotional content that we may only understand.

[NakedBear]

Billy the kid
shot me with his gun -- is this a metaphor? How should I take it?
we went into space
walked the streets
camped on wasteland
fought each other
stole pints of milk -- reads like a list, except that every item is an action, which lends it some weight. Still, I think some words could be added to make this listing seem more active.

ran with the crowd
we were loud
found out he was dead -- this is very abrupt. You could add more lines above to explain a separation between you two, or more simply, a line break, preserving the abruptness but also to cue the reader that it's intended. ??
standing at his grave
you commin out
billy the kid --I like the simpleness of this end. Speaker standing at the grave, so unbelieving that his buddy can be dead that he speaks to him and fully expects him to return (while, maybe, in his heart he knows he cannot come back).
___________

Mikey[/b]

[rowens]

I like this poem because my neighbor talks like this all the time. He sings songs to himself when he's working in the yard.

[billy]

i quiet like it.
is the 2nd we needed?
the last two lines feel like a dare.
i also like the milk line.
the lack of punctuation works well and on the whole thers an image of love hate going on. do you need the first line as it's also the tite? i like the title in the lst line, it makes a good hook.

[escorial]

thanx..just realised billy the kid should not be there..

[Jamie]

This reminds me of my misspent youth. It leaves me wanting more, which is a good thing. Made me really think of the past, good times and bad.