With this inform all critique

[NakedBear]

Revision

So, I've added in the corrections of Leanne, and took a crack at the unresolved line. Here's the result.


I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
With one condition, if I may impose:
ahead of hated words, that love must lead,
as the ox-man a beastly charge does guide
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved,
filled not with voids and pains, yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, tell me truths, though hateful to my ear
You must! Be kind, though, if you hold me dear.


Did I hit the right meter on the the above bolded line, or have I missed it?



Original Post

With this inform all critique

I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose:
That, ahead of hated words, love must lead,
like the ox driver does his beastly charge,
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved.
Filled not with voids and pains yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, do tell me truths, hateful to my ear.
You must! Just be kind, if to you I’m dear.


Any comments welcome, even the unkind sort.

How's my meter?

[billy]

we only do hoenst here
the meter is flawed

are you going for iambic?
if not, some of the trochees work and some don't

not sure if there's a clear deliniation between the question and answer the sonnet form requires.
it's a good effort though.

With this inform all critique

I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose: extra foot
That, ahead of hated words, love must lead,
like the ox driver does his beastly charge,
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved.
Filled not with voids and pains yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, do tell me truths, hateful to my ear.
You must! Just be kind, if to you I’m dear.


Any comments welcome, even the unkind sort.

How's my meter?

[NakedBear]

we only do hoenst here
the meter is flawed

Ouch! go easy!

are you going for iambic?
if not, some of the trochees work and some don't
I was aiming for iambic, but worry that my ears are inverted. Are the trochees predominate through-out?

not sure if there's a clear deliniation between the question and answer the sonnet form requires.
it's a good effort though.
Yes, I was just reading that sonnet practice thread in the practice section, and see that this sonnet doesn't quite meet the required form. I will reorder it, I think, and keep trying for iambs.

Thanks for the critique, billy.

Mikey

[Tommy]

Clever. Really clever. I can see you winking! Just an idea - grab the second to the last line and make it line #8. That will give you the octave and leave you with a sestet. I think it works in that position to sum up the octave and I think line #9 is enough of a volta although it sort of bleeds into line #10. That doesn't fix everything (or anything) but it's a start. I guess. What do I know? Way to take on a sonnet, Nakedbear! Thanks for a fun read.

[Leanne]

Hi NakedBear, I've put a few suggested fixes here -- though it seems like quite a bit, in reality they're small changes that mostly just repair your meter (which is slightly flawed but not at all fatal). I actually do find that the couplet rounds off the sonnet well -- the two parts of a sonnet that we talk about aren't always clear question-and-answer, they can be setup-and-resolution or even thesis-and-conclusion.

The sonnet is the perfect form for metapoetry -- poems about the poetic process itself. It's pretty much the pinnacle of form poetry, so it lends itself very nicely to commentary if it's done well. Thumbs up for the attempt, we'll make a sonneteer out of you yet

With this inform all critique

I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose: -- with one condition, if I may impose: -- fixed
That, ahead of hated words, love must lead, -- ahead of hated words, that love must lead
like the ox driver does his beastly charge, -- this line is problematic -- it starts on a trochee then heads all over the place -- I'll need to think a while on a possible replacement
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge! -- these two lines are excellent -- nice analogy, nice meter!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved. -- this shouldn't be a full stop, as what follows is not a complete sentence but a run-on clause. A comma will probably do here
Filled not with voids and pains yet rearranged -- perhaps a comma after pains
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, do tell me truths, hateful to my ear. -- So, tell me truths, though hateful to my ear
You must! Just be kind, if to you I’m dear. -- You must! Be kind, though, if you hold me dear.

[serge gurkski]

I like the content. It is somewhat tautological but what the heck: So we talk rocks and oxen here? ,-) Why not?
Fine edit by Leanne re meter!

When I read the first 2 lines I was reminded of skiing in Northern Italy (or Suedtirol if you prefer). That street sign: Caduta sassi!" *(=falling rocks!) popped up in my head. (Bringing back some nice memories (NOT of falling rocks!) Then of course I, being the sick guy I am, imagined falling oxen** instead of rocks. And so forth. The Bard update: from fattest oxen we desire increase ,-)) ) Very Monty Pythonish! First laughter in my morning. Thanks!

I think it is a good intro poem.

cheers

Serge

---------------
* caduta sassi! ----> http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Datei:Caduta_Sassi.PNG
** HaHa, I wasn't the first. Look here --> http://www.yossam.it/fotografie/fotograf..._buoi.html

[NakedBear]

Clever. Really clever. I can see you winking! Just an idea - grab the second to the last line and make it line #8. That will give you the octave and leave you with a sestet. I think it works in that position to sum up the octave and I think line #9 is enough of a volta although it sort of bleeds into line #10. That doesn't fix everything (or anything) but it's a start. I guess. What do I know? Way to take on a sonnet, Nakedbear! Thanks for a fun read.

I'm glad you got something from it, Tommy. And thanks for the suggestion. Possibly that could work, if I were feeling the poem enough to reorder it. But when I sat with it today... nope. I think that I've somehow moved a bit too far from the sentiment for such a major effort.

Mikey

---

Thanks for the encouragement, Leanne.

It's pretty much the pinnacle of form poetry, so it lends itself very nicely to commentary if it's done well. Thumbs up for the attempt, we'll make a sonneteer out of you yet

The pinnacle, you say? Hmmm... I know what form I'll be trying to write in for the next decade, then.

With this inform all critique

I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose: -- with one condition, if I may impose: -- fixed

Your line reads much smoother than mine. At first, though, I thought the bumpy flow was better, since to my mind it suggests a hesitancy on the part of speaker. Then I thought, no: "if I may impose" does that too, and it's nicer to the ear.

like the ox driver does his beastly charge, -- this line is problematic -- it starts on a trochee then heads all over the place -- I'll need to think a while on a possible replacement

That line caused me quite a bit of trouble, and I do think I'll return to it and try to smooth it out. But any thoughts you have of would be very welcome, although you've done me a great help already.

I have swallowed all you suggestions, they were delightful. Now I'll commence their digestion, so you'll have less correcting to do on my next attempt (hopefully).

Mikey.

[Leanne]

Oh yes, sonnetation was the saviour of civilisation

[NakedBear]

I think it is a good intro poem.

cheers

Serge

---------------
* caduta sassi! ----> http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Datei:Caduta_Sassi.PNG
** HaHa, I wasn't the first. Look here --> http://www.yossam.it/fotografie/fotograf..._buoi.html

Haha. Thanks for the encouragement, Serge.

When it comes to falling ox, I think we're all derivative: the Indians hunted with cliffs. Go figure.

Mikey.

[serge gurkski]

I think it is a good intro poem.

cheers

Serge

---------------
* caduta sassi! ----> http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Datei:Caduta_Sassi.PNG
** HaHa, I wasn't the first. Look here --> http://www.yossam.it/fotografie/fotograf..._buoi.html

Haha. Thanks for the encouragement, Serge.

When it comes to falling ox, I think we're all derivative: the Indians hunted with cliffs. Go figure.

Mikey.

Hi Mikey.
Indian or Pre- or Proto-Indians: yes, I know that, but it is too gory, so I left it out.

cheers
Serge