A Poem: Edit

[zxcv6789]

Of the Inevitable and Everlasting

On the couch in my basement,
rouge, soft and sinful,
we are drawn like
salt from taint.

Our hands flirt, so do our toes.
finally, entangle;
tighten.

Like Humbolt and Lolita,
Jesse and Zee;
it’s wrong.

Oh but its
more familiar than breathing -
and regret will always be for the young.

So we laud the imminent plunge
and bathe in our fermenting fumes
until we’re drunk past surrender.

And spinning hastens,
and shadows dance,
and fires flood our guts
like an intimate cello suite
that’s damned to cry
for eternity.


ORIGINAL

You are on the couch in my basement -
Rouge, soft and sinful.

We are drawn like salt from taint.
Our hands flirt and so do our toes.
Finally, entangle.
Tighten.

Its wrong
Like Humbert Humbert
And Lolita
And the likes

Oh but it feels right and good
And more familiar than
Breathing.

Our grapple resumes
And our fumes permeate and intoxicate and we’re drunk past surrender
And fires rush our guts – the inextinguishable kind.
And spinning hastens
And shadows dance
And regret will always be for the young.

And so we laud our imminent doom
And bathe in its eternality.

[NakedBear]

You are on the couch in my basement -
Rouge, soft and sinful.

We are drawn like salt from taint.
Our hands flirt and so do our toes.
Finally, entangle.
Tighten.

Its wrong
Like Humbert Humbert
And Lolita
And the likes

Oh but it feels right and good
And more familiar than
Breathing. I like that breathing is emphasised, since it is the most basic living fact, yet also connect to passion and sex (in my mind, at least). Yet the enjambment seems a bit artificial to me

Our grapple resumes
And our fumes permeate and intoxicate and we’re drunk past surrender
And fires rush our guts – the inextinguishable kind.
And spinning hastens
And shadows dance on first reading this image jarred me, because I couldn't see why shadows should be dancing. Is there a light source? Is it moving. But maybe the shadows are the dark unilt places in the mind of speaker and his lover. The next line suggests it, but still I was jarred.
And regret will always be for the young.

And so we laud our imminent doom
And bathe in its eternality.

I enjoyed this read.

Mikey

[Todd]

Hi, we require critiquing in the Mild and Serious forums before posting poems in them. I'm moving your poem to the Miscellaneous forum. After you've done your critique, if you'd like it moved back. Let me know and I'll move it again.

[justcloudy]

I know others will disagree, but I like all the "and"s at the end. I feel like they anchor the rest.

But I might change this part a bit:
"It feels more right than that
more familiar than
Breathing."
something of that sort... right and good both is too much.

some of the images are really great, others are a bit commonplace. I love the flirty toes, I'd take away the hands part, just distracts.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Thanks! Happy to move it back. I'll come back to comment.

---

A couple comments for you. First, I'd love to see a title here to draw me in.

You are on the couch in my basement ---this may be a bit arbitrary but since I interpret line 2 as rogue makeup and not a rogue, I might suggest cutting the you are on line 1 and adding a Your to lead off line 2. I like that it's set in the basement as it gives it a seedy implication.
Rouge, soft and sinful.--I like rogue as its used to enhance youthfulness and it plays into your Lolita reference

We are drawn like salt from taint.--nice phrasing, sexual with slang implications
Our hands flirt and so do our toes.--maybe "as" instead of and so
Finally, entangle.
Tighten.

Its wrong
Like Humbert Humbert
And Lolita--I like the reference but when I read your regret line later it seems like a shared regret. Meaning they both seem young. This may be an example of where a title would help. Something is wrong okay, it's hard for me to determine what exactly
And the likes--maybe better as "and the like"

Oh but it feels right and good
And more familiar than
Breathing.--I would suggest cutting the less interesting right and good and just keep the "Oh but it feels (line break) more familiar than breathing.

Our grapple resumes
And our fumes permeate and intoxicate and we’re drunk past surrender--while I like the internal rhyme I might still suggest cutting permeate and. I think less is more here
And fires rush our guts – the inextinguishable kind.
And spinning hastens
And shadows dance
And regret will always be for the young.

And so we laud our imminent doom
And bathe in its eternality.

No nits on the rush to the ending. I very much enjoyed this. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

---

Rouge...I need to learn to spell

[zxcv6789]

On the couch in my basement -
You’re rouge, soft and sinful.

We are drawn like salt from taint.
Our hands flirt, as do our toes.
Finally, entangle.
Tighten.

Its wrong
Like Humbert and Lolita;
Jesse and Zee
And the like

Oh but it feels
More familiar than breathing.

Our grapple resumes
And our fumes intoxicate and we’re drunk past surrender
And fires rush our guts – the inextinguishable kind.
And spinning hastens
And shadows dance
And regret will always be for the young.

And so we laud our imminent doom
And bathe in its eternality.


Edits, thanks to Todd. Could use some more direction/help with a title.

[tectak]

You are on the couch in my basement -
Rouge, soft and sinful. You just get away with the misdirection...I think it is the "you" that is is rouge, soft and sinful...though it could be the sofa

We are drawn like salt from taint. The very unpalatable (bon mot) connotations of this line are out of place so early in the piece. I must assume you use the Urban Dictionary....alternatively, I have no idea what this means.
Our hands flirt and so do our toes.
Finally, entangle.
Tighten.Very nice imagery born out of equally credible observation. I am not sure that the cuddly-soft concept is helped by the curt lines and stingy punctuation. A small nit...

Its wrong Purposeless line unless you have truly established the misdemeanour. I do not believe you have...so the "its" is isolated.
Like Humbert Humbert
And Lolita
And the likesAgain, this is infra dig. You could do much better. Your poem.

Oh but it feels right and good
And more familiar than
Breathing.Apart from the over dramatic L1 of this stanza (I use this oh so often myself) this is worthy. You clip a cliche with "more familiar than breathing" but I cannot for the life of me recall where I have seen this before

Our grapple resumes
And our fumes permeate and intoxicate and we’re drunk past surrender
And fires rush our guts – the inextinguishable kind.
And spinning hastens
And shadows dance
And regret will always be for the young.Hmmm. Only as good as it looks but no better. There is nothing in this that would not be improved by some gravy...needs more seasoning, too. The last line is arguable...and does not ring true
And so we laud our imminent doom
And bathe in its eternality.You are lauding and bathing...metaphorically you are multi-tasking. I don't think it works but it nearly does.

Overall I think that you have written something which has more depths than you are prepared to plumb. Tell me I am wrong and I shall probably concede...its a no win situation. I quite like the and and and device but you do go on a bit. Is there something I'm missing. I have read Lolita. The years of innocence...

[brandontoh]

On the couch in my basement - -- This first line doesn't really capture my attention. One suggestion is to switch the order of line 1 and 2, or try to illustrate the setting throughout the whole poem instead. Also, I think that to further immerse readers in your poem, you can try to add more and describe how the character is sitting/lying on the couch, and the texture of the couch etc.
You’re rouge, soft and sinful.

We are drawn like salt from taint.
Our hands flirt, as do our toes. -- Nice lines, really like the playful image here.
Finally, entangle.
Tighten. -- I like the word choices, but find that the punctuation is a little off-putting. Maybe a semicolon instead of a period at 'entangle'?

Its wrong
Like Humbert and Lolita;
Jesse and Zee
And the like -- Punctuation seems to be absent here. You do make your image clearer though, so the stanza works.

Oh but it feels
More familiar than breathing. -- Personally I don't like the use of 'familiar' unless you're saying that they've done it so many times before.

Our grapple resumes -- 'Resumes' is not an apt word choice in my opinion. Did the character pause just to have a monologue? I think not.
And our fumes intoxicate and we’re drunk past surrender
And fires rush our guts – the inextinguishable kind.
And spinning hastens
And shadows dance
And regret will always be for the young. -- This stanza feels like it should be read out loud. The intensity, and the energy that you're trying to get across is there, but the buildup is kind of lacking. I'd suggest working on the 'familiar like breathing' stanza a little more.

And so we laud our imminent doom
And bathe in its eternality.

Overall, I like the poem, but feel that it has potential to be more evocative. Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)

Edits, thanks to Todd. Could use some more direction/help with a title.

For the title, maybe 'Wishing Thinking', 'Perfect Mistake', or 'Abandon'. Just some suggestions. =x

[zxcv6789]

Of the Inevitable and Everlasting

On the couch in my basement,
rouge, soft and sinful,
we are drawn like
salt from taint.

Our hands flirt, so do our toes.
finally, entangle;
tighten.

Like Humbolt and Lolita,
Jesse and Zee;
it’s wrong.

Oh but its
more familiar than breathing -
and regret will always be for the young.

So we laud the imminent plunge
and bathe in our fermenting fumes
until we’re drunk past surrender.

And spinning hastens,
and shadows dance,
and fires flood our guts
like an intimate cello suite
that’s damned to cry
for eternity.

[Todd]

Good edit. My initial read gave me two simple suggestions:

Cut "our guts"

Keep with your established rhythm, it will be stronger.

I'm not a fan of the for eternity as your close. It could just be me but I'd pull that up to end the previous line and I'd pull the regret line down to close the poem. In that arrangement you should probably cut the and from the front of it.

Really are just thoughts to consider though.

Best,

Todd