Whisperings

[Currents]

They say the stars owe everything to chance,
That no set fate has fixed them in their place.
That Chaos governs how they hang askance;
No rhyme or reason writ in outer space.

But when we let our eyes run through the skies
To dance amidst this resting place of giants.
In seeing circles, supershapes and lines,
Disorders winking back at us defiant.

Orion’s ribboned waist looks too precise.
In each perfect portioned shining point.
A mighty tour de force of fire and ice
Of geometric symmetry, adroit.

Perhaps just atoms dancings all it is;
These half unuttered words and promises.

[Seth31]

I enjoyed this. This is an impressive piece of work you put together. Seeing as how I really enjoy the use of the stars and space as the object used for the symbolism. But maybe that's just because I've always liked the stars I also like the use of alliteration in stanza three line two, it makes it flows nicely. Great job and keep writing!

[Tommy]

This work is inspiring to me. I've come back to it several times today after reading it the first time last night. Your fist stanza is the strongest I think and then the poem seems to lose it's way, although there is some good stuff in there. I wish I could do a better job of putting my finger on it for you. I think I don't like some of the word choices.

Whisperings
They say the stars owe everything to chance,
That no set fate has fixed them in their place.
That Chaos governs how they hang askance;
No rhyme or reason writ in outer space.

But when we let our eyes run through the skies
To dance amidst this resting place of giants.
In seeing circles, supershapes and lines,
Disorders winking back at us defiant. use the singular, disorder[b].

Orion’s ribboned waist looks too precise.
In each perfect portioned shining point.
A mighty tour de force of fire and ice
Of geometric symmetry, adroit.

Perhaps just atoms dancings all it is;
These half unuttered words and promises.

[Currents]

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm glad that it had enough of an impact that you decided to come back to it a number of times.

I actually agree with much of what you say above ... bar 'atoms' and 'half' which I do think work.

Going to have a fiddle with it and see if I can add a touch more fluidity to it.

[Keith]

Hi Currents, this floats by and is quite whistful like some one staring up at a clear night sky, you could strip it back to reduce some of the words that dont show us anything for example the first line could begin with Stars. I enjoyed your poem thanks for the read. TOMH

They say the stars owe everything to chance,
That no set fate has fixed them in their place.
That Chaos governs how they hang askance;
No rhyme or reason writ in outer space.

But when we let our eyes run through the skies
To dance amidst this resting place of giants.
In seeing circles, supershapes and lines,
Disorders winking back at us defiant.

Orion’s ribboned waist looks too precise.
In each perfect portioned shining point.
A mighty tour de force of fire and ice
Of geometric symmetry, adroit.

Perhaps just atoms dancings all it is;
These half unuttered words and promises.