Split me open
#1
EDITED:

Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.


ORIGINAL:
Split me open
Look inside
All these thoughts I try to hide.
Split me open
Expose the core
See inside where there is more.
Look into the heart of me
You will not like all that you see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
There are secrets here inside
Urges I have long denied.
Split me open if you dare
Smell a stench I cannot bear.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows inside my every thought.
A strangling malignancy has stolen happiness from me.
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#2
I really liked it.
I thought the rhyme was great up until the very end where it feel apart a bit.
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#3
The last line, to me, seems your strongest-- though personally I'd change "strangling" to "strange."

This poem has a lot of potential. As always, it is truly hard to put out a poem that rhymes without it seeming forced.
Keep working through other lines, see if you can let this poem go a little easier. If anything, don't be afraid to get rid of the rhyme entirely.

And also think about the content. What exactly are you trying to portray here other than pain?
I'll be there in a minute.
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#4
hi tommy,
look out for any repetition, is it necessary? only use it if it is because it often weakens the word. try to make the end rhymes perfect and with a consistant rhyme scheme. on the face of it it's pretty fierce and emotively sad poem. but it's very wordy. try to chop out anything that doesn't really say or show anything.

All these thoughts I try to hide. this is a given, it's also a cliche
See inside where there is more. this is a given, it's also a bit weak

you have a poem that's editable. lookijng forward to seeing what comes of it Smile
ps. thank you for leave feedback elsewhere. Smile



(03-09-2013, 10:45 AM)Tommy Wrote:  Split me open
Look inside
All these thoughts I try to hide.
Split me open
Expose the core
See inside where there is more.
Look into the heart of me
You will not like all that you see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
There are secrets here inside
Urges I have long denied.
Split me open if you dare
Smell a stench I cannot bear.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows inside my every thought.
A strangling malignancy has stolen happiness from me.
Reply
#5
Thank you very much for your thoughts. I have tried a couple of edits. I will give you the 2nd one. It's getting closer to what I wanted to say, thanks to you guys.

EDIT 2;
Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more
Cut down into the heart of me
You will not like it, you will see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows within my every thought.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.
Reply
#6
Hi Tommy,

Good edit Smile

I think that "You will not like it, you will see" is weak, and I'm not a big fan of the wording anyway.

I like "I've grown accustomed to the rot" but then to use grows again on the following line seems redundant. Maybe look this over and see if the repetition is something that you want.

I think the second stanza is strong.

Thanks for the read Smile
-M
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#7
"putrid urges lay in wait" Love it. loads of potential in this one.
Take my comments with a pinch of salt
I have no knowledge about a lot.
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#8
Hi Tommy,
Missed this on the original but this this is a great edit and is much improved.
In the first stanza you have growing and then in the second stanza you use grown and grows, this is one grow to many. perhaps you could change the final grows to spreads or creeps or some other discriptive to convey the idea.
Overall I enjoyed this very much.
Fav line: Putrid urges lay in wait. (But I want to read it as lie in wait).
Thanks for the read AJ.
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#9
The title is catchy and misleading and therefore praiseworthy.
The bowels of this overtly confessionalistic poem is more than I am willing to bear. Sorry.
shit happens. ;-)

cheers anyway

serge
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#10
OK now I think we're getting somewhere! Thanks to you all.

EDIT 3;
Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.
Reply
#11
i was looking forward to the end but wanted more
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#12
(03-11-2013, 06:03 AM)Tommy Wrote:  OK now I think we're getting somewhere! Thanks to you all.

EDIT 3;
Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.

Not bad! I agree with newsclippings' opinion on forced rhymes. I think you have accomplished to make them not look forced anymore. There is another possible danger with rhymed (new) poetry, namely that it might take away from the seriousness and/or sadness of a poem. I would not edit the rhymes out of this poem here. Just a general remark.
I am really impressed by your edits. :-)

cheers
serge
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#13
(03-11-2013, 07:25 AM)escorial Wrote:  i was looking forward to the end but wanted more

Yeah me too. I was kind of surprised by the direction this poem headed and I've tried to add to it but nothing seems to take. I agree that it leaves you hanging. I hope my muse has a plan because I'm a bit stumped.

(03-11-2013, 03:01 PM)serge gurkski Wrote:  
(03-11-2013, 06:03 AM)Tommy Wrote:  OK now I think we're getting somewhere! Thanks to you all.

EDIT 3;
Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.

Not bad! I agree with newsclippings' opinion on forced rhymes. I think you have accomplished to make them not look forced anymore. There is another possible danger with rhymed (new) poetry, namely that it might take away from the seriousness and/or sadness of a poem. I would not edit the rhymes out of this poem here. Just a general remark.
I am really impressed by your edits. :-)

cheers
serge

Yes, absolutely on your and newsclippings opinions re: forced rhymes, although I enjoy twisting words for my enjoyment (if not the readers I'm afraid). I was thinking about a popular song that had very dark lyrics accompanied by a very upbeat happy tune. I guess the idea doesn't translate well to poetry. Thank you for the comments.
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#14
Hi,

I really liked it. It is very effective and the emotion is very daring and true to its core. This is just my opinion, I feel the last 2 lines are not flowing fluidly with the rest of the poem, if they are written keeping the meter in mind then this will become a great poem Smile
~Neena
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#15
(03-10-2013, 06:19 AM)Tommy Wrote:  ...
EDIT 2;
Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more
Cut down into the heart of me
You will not like it, you will see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare <<< sure, i have gone so far. I do dare. ,-)
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows within my every thought.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.


if it just was not for the rhymes!
Wtfuck do you need them for?
such a good poem. The rhyming unarmes it.

cheers.
sigh.
Reply
#16
(03-09-2013, 10:45 AM)Tommy Wrote:  EDITED:

Split me open, look inside
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Cut me wide, expose the core
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Evil growing here inside
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
Smell the stench of my despair.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
A terminal malignancy
Has stolen happiness from me.


ORIGINAL:
Split me open
Look inside
All these thoughts I try to hide.
Split me open
Expose the core
See inside where there is more.
Look into the heart of me
You will not like all that you see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
There are secrets here inside
Urges I have long denied.
Split me open if you dare
Smell a stench I cannot bear.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows inside my every thought.
A strangling malignancy has stolen happiness from me.

Hi Tommy, personally I find it quite difficult to treat any poem that's rhymed, unless it is in form , seriously. Poems of AABB nature in particular, as there always is so much emphasis on sound, I find it detracts from the content, having said that I rather like your piece and to give you another possible idea:

Split me open, look inside
Cut me wide, expose the core
Secret thoughts I try to hide
Deep inside where there is more

Dark crevasses filled with hate
Evil growing here inside
Putrid urges lie in wait.
Inspiration long denied.

Split me open, if you dare
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
Smell the stench of my despair.
It invades my every thought.

Take it from me, tear it out
A terminal malignancy
Free me of the fear and doubt.
It has stolen happiness from me.

regards saeity.
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#17
saeity is cool.
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#18
There once was a man split in two
Who thought what you should do,
Is look in there - if you dare
But you’d better beware
You’ll smell the stench of my despair!

How am I doing so far? Big Grin

Okay I'll de-rhyme-ify it.
Reply
#19
(03-28-2013, 09:44 AM)Tommy Wrote:  There once was a man split in two
Who thought what you should do,
Is look in there - if you dare
But you’d better beware
You’ll smell the stench of my despair!

How am I doing so far? Big Grin

Okay I'll de-rhyme-ify it.

well.....
there once was a lady from Ealing
who had the most dreadful of feelings
she laid on her back
opened..


ah forgot not in the sewer Big Grin

saeity.
Reply
#20
(03-28-2013, 09:53 AM)saeity Wrote:  
(03-28-2013, 09:44 AM)Tommy Wrote:  There once was a man split in two
Who thought what you should do,
Is look in there - if you dare
But you’d better beware
You’ll smell the stench of my despair!

How am I doing so far? Big Grin

Okay I'll de-rhyme-ify it.

well.....
there once was a lady from Ealing
who had the most dreadful of feelings
she laid on her back
opened..


ah forgot not in the sewer Big Grin

saeity.

eels are not to any lady's likings (nor to mine)
eals?

tommy: the last line's not good.
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