Light from a good man

[Jamie]

Light from a good man


There's a light that shines
in this broken time of designer crime
and gun slinging gangster rhyme
in a time that's blind
there's a light that shines

There's a man that knows just where to go
a world at his feet that's full of sheep
he'll tell you lies, take your prize
and ignore your cries
but he can't see through all this grime
there's a light that shines

So when the infrastructure
comes crashing down
and our destiny is all around
when the future’s bleak
and moral fibre is weak
will that light still shine?
Well my friend, that’s up to you
for it's not the shepherd that
will guide you through

When your bins are full
and your fridge is empty
when the oil stops burning
and your hunger is yearning
no planes in the sky
and your taps run dry
disease in the street
no shoes on your feet
no fuel in your tank
no fish in the sea
when desperation is at your door
will you still see
there's a light that shines


I know this is full of the same holes as my first offering but I thought I should air it before deciding what to do with it. All comments will be gratefully received. No need to be gentle I can take it.

[sfsushi]

Hello,

The message of this poem is strong but it is a little hard to read because the meter is strange. The rhythm of the poem is not uniform, nor is it slowly paced in a way that makes it comfortable to read. I just had kind of a hard time getting through it because it was so uneven in pace.

Good luck getting it to a place you love.

[escorial]

i enjoy poems that don't always follw the next line in a formal way..enjoyed.

[saeity]

Hi Jamie, personally feel this piece would benefit a longer line structure, it would slow the piece down dramatically


There's a light that shines in this broken time, of designer crime;
and gun slinging gangster rhyme in a time that's blind,
there's a light that shines.

I'm enjoying the repetition just not entirely sold on the rhyming maybe a tad overkill, particularly in the first stanza. There's nothing that cannot be worked on though

saeity.