At Peace Now (revised)

[neb123]

First Revision

At Peace Now

I wander these slums
Imaginings
Past Happenings,
tripping
into pot holes full
of unworthiness
choking on guilt's stench
(It wafts in from Memory of what happened
mixes with smog of what I should have done instead).

Nerve impulses shoot here and there
destroying Peace over
dead rumors
unborn mistakes
Taking aim at imperfections
Keeping me up all hours
with barrages
of thoughts
built from steel emotions
that never tarnish and
refuse to fail
under the pressure of--
An idea!

To live in the Present
an overlooked place
its blueprint a line
simple yet divine
With only one choice:
Walk forward, focused.
There's no room to turn back
toward neighboring Past
No space to hang doubt
No place for future.

Yet it's so abundant.

Not overpopulated
with insatiable demands,
the Present is rural,
easy to miss amid the cluttered states
of mind.

So I pass it by.

But thank God for when I wake up there
by accident!
and thank God for when I find my way there
on my own,
able to fit perfectly
on the point where sea meets sky.
able to balance
upon a grain of sand.
able to lay
on the tip of a blade of grass
here in this vastly small universe
scattered everywhere for me to be
at peace now.

3.5.13


Original Version
Wavering between imaginings and past happenings
is where you'll find my mind,
and often neither place is kind.

My mind wanders into imagination's slums
trips into pot holes full of unworthiness
and inhales the stench of guilt that
wafts in from neighboring memory of what happened
and mixes with imagination's smog of what I should have done instead.

How do I constantly end up in this war zone
of nerve impulses shooting here and there
with no sense of decency to know they are
Destroying inner peace over a rumor
a misunderstanding
a mistake
Taking aim at me because I am imperfect
Keeping me up all hours of the night
with barrages of bullet thoughts?
Then these streetlights in imagination
blind me to the idea that I did anything right
in past!

My heart's eyes burn.

What a rotten place I've made
out of steel emotions
that never tarnish and
refuse to fail
under the pressure of a hammer
nailing a tiny idea
to live in the present--

To move to the present,
an often overlooked place
its blueprint a line
so simple yet divine
because there I would have no choice
but to walk forward and focused
without room to turn back
toward neighboring past
without space to hang portraits of doubt
without place for the perfect future
without attacks from the residents of past happenings and
imaginings...

without so much, yet so much richer.

Not overpopulated
with insatiable demands,
the present is rural,
easy to miss amid the clutter of neighboring states
of mind.

And I pass it by, this peaceful place.

But thank God for when I wake up there
by accident!
and thank God for when I find my way there
on my own,
able to fit perfectly
on the point where sea meets sky.
able to balance
upon a grain of sand.
able to lay
on the tip of a blade of grass
here in the present
this vastly small universe
scattered everywhere for me to be
at peace now.

---

Ok...so I know it's long and more prosaic than subtly poetic, but I still want to know what people feel from it (if anything). Thanks in advance!

[billy]

hi neb (great short name for me to remember)

first off, while it is a little too wordy, it's not too prosaic. you have a fair bit of word repetition. where ever possible, choos different words unless the choice is intended. imagination, starts the ball rolling as being noticable on on more the two ocassions in one form or another. happenigs is another easily remember word. mind is also used twice in three lines.

think about the layout. can unnecessary words be removed with a bit of jiggling?

You'll find my mind wavering would this be a good first line and cut a bit of excess away at the same time?
between imaginings and past happenings
often neither place is kind.

the poem has lots of good stuff going on, you have some really good images. those are the lines you need to bring out, the lines like; trips into potholes of unworthiness.

about the poem, i get a feeling of bi polar. as if you often dwell in depression, but have some good moments. it's as though you had a bad past and have stepped out into a better life.

great effort.

Wavering between imaginings and past happenings
is where you'll find my mind,
and often neither place is kind.

My mind wanders into imagination's slums
trips into pot holes full of unworthiness
and inhales the stench of guilt that
wafts in from neighboring memory of what happened
and mixes with imagination's smog of what I should have done instead.

How do I constantly end up in this war zone
of nerve impulses shooting here and there
with no sense of decency to know they are
Destroying inner peace over a rumor
a misunderstanding
a mistake
Taking aim at me because I am imperfect
Keeping me up all hours of the night
with barrages of bullet thoughts?
Then these streetlights in imagination
blind me to the idea that I did anything right
in past!

My heart's eyes burn.

What a rotten place I've made
out of steel emotions
that never tarnish and
refuse to fail
under the pressure of a hammer
nailing a tiny idea
to live in the present--

To move to the present,
an often overlooked place
its blueprint a line
so simple yet divine
because there I would have no choice
but to walk forward and focused
without room to turn back
toward neighboring past
without space to hang portraits of doubt
without place for the perfect future
without attacks from the residents of past happenings and
imaginings...

without so much, yet so much richer.

Not overpopulated
with insatiable demands,
the present is rural,
easy to miss amid the clutter of neighboring states
of mind.

And I pass it by, this peaceful place.

But thank God for when I wake up there
by accident!
and thank God for when I find my way there
on my own,
able to fit perfectly
on the point where sea meets sky.
able to balance
upon a grain of sand.
able to lay
on the tip of a blade of grass
here in the present
this vastly small universe
scattered everywhere for me to be
at peace now.

---

Ok...so I know it's long and more prosaic than subtly poetic, but I still want to know what people feel from it (if anything). Thanks in advance!

[neb123]

Hi Billy. Thanks for your feedback. This is the first poem I've ever posted anywhere, and I'm glad to have some input.
I definitely will work on wordiness. My only issue with your revision is it takes away the rhyme. Interesting you don't think it's prosaic. I'm unsure how to categorize my poems, but that is a discussion for another thread I suppose.
What makes you feel it's about bipolar? Are there shifts in mood or imagery that indicate this?
Thanks again :-)

[billy]

first off i'm strulling to see a coherant rhyme scheme. so if you want one make sure the rhymes have a constant pattern.

---

your falling into a common act of using one or two word lines when they would really be better adjoined to another line. it weakens the poem and doesn't work that well unless it done with some good reason.
my suggestion would be to edit 5 or 10 lines at a time, write them as you would speak them and use the pauses as line breaks. it's easier to do shorter edits than a huge one. it is good to se you editing.

don't forget to leve fedback elsewhere

[neb123]

Thanks again for additional suggestions. I'll take them into consideration. And yes, I will continue posting feedback!

first off i'm strulling to see a coherant rhyme scheme. so if you want one make sure the rhymes have a constant pattern.

---

your falling into a common act of using one or two word lines when they would really be better adjoined to another line. it weakens the poem and doesn't work that well unless it done with some good reason.
my suggestion would be to edit 5 or 10 lines at a time, write them as you would speak them and use the pauses as line breaks. it's easier to do shorter edits than a huge one. it is good to se you editing.

don't forget to leve fedback elsewhere