Insomnia

[Gemma]

The worms resurface, yet again,
In dark recesses of my brain.
Madness reigns in the dead of night,
The worms feed on lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
murder me with sheer surprise..
But kill the worms, that creep, and creep..
I'm not awake, yet not asleep.

I would really appreciate your critique, be honest!

[billy]

hi gemma.


the 2nd line is a cliche, (well used phrase)
the poem itself is pretty okay for a poem that describes the twilight between wake and sleep.
the meter is almost okay but could do with a few tweaks in order to help the flow.

The worms feed on lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
could be
The worms feed on a lack of light.
So shine a torch into my eyes,

there a few more lines that could be helped with a tweak
we have a thread all about meter in the pactice or novice forum,

The worms resurface, yet again,
In dark recesses of my brain.
Madness reigns in the dead of night,
The worms feed on lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
murder me with sheer surprise..
But kill the worms, that creep, and creep..
I'm not awake, yet not asleep.

I would really appreciate your critique, be honest!

[neb123]

I enjoyed reading this. It's brief yet makes its impact. And I like the final line.I added and deleted some words and punctuation just for meter's sake. Thanks for sharing!

The worms resurface, yet again,
In dark recesses of my brain.
A madness reigns the dead of night
as worms feed on deep lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
murder me with sheer surprise..
But kill the worms that creep and creep..
I'm not awake, yet not asleep.

I would really appreciate your critique, be honest!

[Aphroditeny]

I loved it