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Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes out noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs as they go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Follow up to A Father Dies
tectak 2013
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
You trick us into believing you don't believe in anything then put a lump in our throats with your summary, Very nice, I have some comments but, great poem. Hope they help, Thanks for the read TOMH
(03-04-2013, 06:21 AM)tectak Wrote: What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die? dont think you need the first (when I die) same for all too longand sounds a bit like a prayer, unless thats what your after in which case it works
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes out noon Is this a bit long could you take out, out?
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky like this
or watch fat pigs as they go flying by? what you dont believe? I would shorten thisline as I stummbled over as they
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?Great line packed with goodies
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart? Same, great images
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die. Lump, throat
Follow up to A Father Dies
tectak 2013
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-04-2013, 08:03 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: You trick us into believing you don't believe in anything then put a lump in our throats with your summary, Very nice, I have some comments but, great poem. Hope they help, Thanks for the read TOMH
(03-04-2013, 06:21 AM)tectak Wrote: What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die? dont think you need the first (when I die) same for all too longand sounds a bit like a prayer, unless thats what your after in which case it works
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes out noon Is this a bit long could you take out, out?
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky like this
or watch fat pigs as they go flying by? what you dont believe? I would shorten thisline as I stummbled over as they
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?Great line packed with goodies
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart? Same, great images
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die. Lump, throat
Follow up to A Father Dies
tectak 2013
Hi Tomh,
Thanks for this. I will take out the "out", you are spot on with this. I will also remove "...as they.." in line last line S1.I Don't know how I read it originally.
Regarding the repeated opening line and the flying pigs reference...I was hoping to give some sense of the age of the dying son, without pinning it down to a year. I figured that the nursery-rhyme years between 7 and 10 years would be about right. I was hoping not to give him maturity beyond the sense of the poem, through the use of the words that the father chooses.
By the by...it's not that I don't believe in anything....my motto is "Nothing really matters", but that is referring to the physicality of nothing, specifically the mathematical concept of zero. Ever wished that you had never asked?
Best,
tectak
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