nightshift

[escorial]

bats fly around in the dark
moths hang around street light

cats on the prowl
dog barking in the yard

block of flats windows lit
cars sitting waiting outside

mobile makes a buzz
rain hitting bus stop

midnight bus arrives
seats empty of lives

be home soon
grab a bite to eat

close the blinds curtains
keep the darkness in
________

[tectak]

bats fly around in the darkYes, they do
moths hang around street lightYes, they do

cats on the prowlYes, they do
dog barking in the yardYes,they do

block of flats windows litYes. They're home
cars sitting waiting outsideYes. They do that

mobile makes a buzzYes. It means a call. Mine does that
rain hitting bus stopAh! Now we are getting all poetic. Can I cope?:)

midnight bus arrivesIs it that time already?
seats empty of livesClumsy structure but not surprising in a sentence of this complexity. God, I hate myself sometimes. Save me, rowens:)

be home soon
grab a bite to eatHypo-glycaemia, methinks
Hi, ( Note! These comments made whilst this piece was in the original location...SERIOUS CRIT)
This is genre, I guess. It is, though, nothing more than a list when all is said and done. It reads like notes for a bigger thing. Sometimes the effort put into writing a piece reflects on the effort the critic puts in.
Best,
tectak

Oh,shit. There is more. must have been the line breaks that fooled me.
close the blinds curtains
keep the darkness in Yes. It does.
________

[cidermaid]

Hi escorial,
whilst tectak's comments are undoubtedly on the mark in terms of calling this a list, in the spirit of the mild section I would like to try and offer you a little encouragment and a few hints.
I did pick up a sense of lonelyness and emptyness from your poem. The idea that the existance of a nightshift worker is one of being shut off from others and closed / hidden to the rest of society.
In terms of what to do next either with this poem if you wish to try an edit or on your next poem, try to offer some more images in your poems, rather than just a flat statement. So for example you could say that the rain was beating the drum of retreat as the bus wafted in, with the calm dominance of ownership over the road. (Not a poetic line but the idea of how you can allow your thoughts to make pictures from a statement).
Think of your words as being tasty little morsel for the reader to chew over and enjoy.
Also there are many different exercises you can have a go at in the poetry practice threads...perhaps have a look at some of the examples in there to gain some new ideas.
Thank you for posting and just keep writing.

AJ.

[softlyfalling]

Moody and melancholy...I imagined loneliness personified as protagonist, a potent concept. I appreciate the subdued imagery- it seems apropos to the grayness of scenario and emotion.

[tmanzano]

This feels wet. Feels lonely. However, an almost serene acceptance with the "night shift". I get this acceptance with the closing stanza.

"Close the blinds curtains
Keep the darkness in"

As if this is a better place in this life to be at this time.

I know some may suggest grammatical corrections or structure changes, I like the mood and rhythm of the chop. It has a sense of RAW emotion. It worked for me.

I am not inclined to suggest anything.

[milo]

bats fly around in the dark
moths hang around street light

cats on the prowl
dog barking in the yard

block of flats windows lit
cars sitting waiting outside

mobile makes a buzz
rain hitting bus stop

midnight bus arrives
seats empty of lives

be home soon
grab a bite to eat

close the blinds curtains
keep the darkness in
________

So there are some problems here, first and foremost is so much cinematic sceneplay without a cinematic screenplay IYKWIM. Leaving that aside:

read this line:

mobile makes a buzz
rain hitting bus stop

my natural tendency is to enjamb the line and wonder what buzz rain is? Line breaks aren't punctuation.


"seats of empty lives" is just too wrist-slashingly emo to really be taken seriously.

"cars sitting waiting" why sitting /and/ waiting?

I might consider a triolet like this:

Bats make blind curtains in the dark.
Moths loiter like street light performers,
cats warble Shakespeare in the park.
Bats make blind curtains. In the dark
We grab, we eat, we miss our mark
from empty seats to midnight swarmers.
Bats make blind curtains. In the dark
moths loiter like street light performers.

milo

[Mattie]

I think you may have been reading PAT INGOLDSBY
He write like this,he write any way he can and don't give a shit, gets his books published and sells them on dublin streets.
Enjoy.