Slave

[Nicolefinley]

Bow down, slave
To the sceptor,
The grape,
The bread,
The worm, no better

You drive the land to its barren death,
And when they say wear white, you do
But beneath linen
Lies the bare, cold flesh you rue

Yet white does not suit you,
You're more of a red,
A translucent purple,
If you grasp what I've said

And long down the path,
When you trip and look behind,
Is the grape,
The bread,
The worm,
But none of your time.

[justcloudy]

hi Nicole,
this is a nice start to something, you have some good images, but it needs some clarification and development.
I'm not sure what kind of slave you're talking about... 18th century American slaves, slaves in ancient Greece/Rome, contemporary slaves to technology... clearing that up will help.
I love the second stanza, it evokes well, but it needs more context. the third stanza begins well, but the last line adds nothing-- it seems to be there just to rhyme without giving the reader any information.
I'm curious, why grape, bread, and worm?
with some work this could be a very thought-provoking piece. :]

[Nicolefinley]

hi Nicole,
this is a nice start to something, you have some good images, but it needs some clarification and development.
I'm not sure what kind of slave you're talking about... 18th century American slaves, slaves in ancient Greece/Rome, contemporary slaves to technology... clearing that up will help.
I love the second stanza, it evokes well, but it needs more context. the third stanza begins well, but the last line adds nothing-- it seems to be there just to rhyme without giving the reader any information.
I'm curious, why grape, bread, and worm?
with some work this could be a very thought-provoking piece. :]

Goldyfish,
Thanks for the pointers. In my poetry, I'm very much about maintaining the essence of mystery. The grape, bread, and worm are all symbols of alcohol - wine, beer, tequila. I am in high school and see so many people become slaves to partying. That is what this poem is about, discretely.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Goldyfish,
Thanks for the pointers. In my poetry, I'm very much about maintaining the essence of mystery. The grape, bread, and worm are all symbols of alcohol - wine, beer, tequila. I am in high school and see so many people become slaves to partying. That is what this poem is about, discretely.

I have to say, I didn't get any of that from the poem. It's good you have a solid idea in your head, but if you fail to put this across to the reader you end up failing in you goal. Try developing some of the images and make your point more (getable) just because you get what you meant, doesn't mean others will.
Thanks for sharing and I hope you keep writing

[brandontoh]

Bow down, slave
To the sceptor,
The grape,
The bread,
The worm, no better -- This stanza takes me to Egypt immediately. Considering what you're aiming for, I'd say that's bad news. It's awesome that you're trying to go for a more subtle approach with your poems, but you need to have enough clues. I feel that the scepter and slave parts sort of distort the whole image you're trying to build.

You drive the land to its barren death, -- This line is kind of hyperbolic in my opinion, and it actually furthered the Egypt image I had in my head.
And when they say wear white, you do
But beneath linen -- linen doesn't help too, but it may be just me this time.
Lies the bare, cold flesh you rue

Yet white does not suit you,
You're more of a red,
A translucent purple,
If you grasp what I've said -- This line is not really needed in my opinion. I really like this stanza though, it's actually the only one that I feel hits the nail you're trying to get.

And long down the path,
When you trip and look behind,
Is the grape,
The bread,
The worm,
But none of your time.

It may be a cultural thing, but when I was in high school 2-3 years ago, we mainly mixed vodka with loads of different beverages, and drank different cocktails. Wine, beer and tequila are not the choices we'd make.

[rowens]

I think it's clear what you mean. And if anyone took the time to think a lot about this poem they could think as you do. At first, most would think of wine, wealth (or bread in the "cannot live on bread alone" sense), and death. Only the poem doesn't hold much interest because both your specific meaning and the more general meaning are too simplistic.