free verse

[syke]

Thoughts in my head....



Our dates are like fish
And are so hard to catch
I've been thinking and thinking
Please close the latch
My thoughts are seeping out
Fuck I need cash
How lame can I be
But seriously where's it all stashed


- edit - maybe I'll just leave the last four lines out.



Am I not good enough
Well the commander and chief said.
Now his life is over
And he is left for dead?

[cidermaid]

Hi Skye,
I liked the simplicity of this and enjoyed the thought flow, but i'm afraid you lost me in the last three lines. I couldn't make a connection between these and the rest of the poem...but that might just be me.
I think some punctuation to help the reader make the intended pauses in this poem.
I liked the image of dates being hard to catch and also those of thoughts leaking out of a fish hold in a ship. You have some good thoughts going on perhaps now try and develop these by building on the images.

Hope this helps AJ.

[syke]

The last three lines are a bit obscure, I think I'll revise it. Thanks for the input!