Insanity-
#1
Insanity, where shall we begin?Hysterical
It’s the essence of madness that lies within.
Like a hungry lion on the prowl,
waiting for the perfect time to strike.

It depresses you slowly, you can’t even put up a fight.
Slowly consumed by its overpowering might.
You feel as if the walls are closing in,
but its insanity that kills you in the end.

It devours you from inside out,
undermining your sanity without a doubt.
You can’t wake up without showing a smile,
a smile that will throw you into the nuthouse.

Being crazy really isn’t so bad,
but with that crazy feeling, you will never feel sad.
“As mad as hatter” they all said.
you didn’t really care when they all bled.

You now live alone, no one to care
all of your walls are beginning to tear.
Your “loved ones” are now all stuffed,
You stare at them longingly and began to laugh.
-R.G
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#2
(03-03-2013, 11:02 AM)kmage Wrote:  Insanity, where shall we begin?Hysterical -- The tone of this line is quite different from the rest of the poem. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but if it is, then it doesn't achieve the desired effect I feel.
It’s the essence of madness that lies within. -- This line I feel is redundant. Starting out with just the lion line works better in my opinion.
Like a hungry lion on the prowl,
waiting for the perfect time to strike.

It depresses you slowly, you can’t even put up a fight.
Slowly consumed by its overpowering might. -- These 2 lines are too 'telling'. Try to show us how it's like to be overwhelmed by insanity. 'depresses', 'consumed' and 'overpowering' are not really words that illustrate that well.
You feel as if the walls are closing in,
but its insanity that kills you in the end. -- I feel that a different phrase other than 'kills you in the end' will make the stanza more powerful. Just a thought.

It devours you from inside out,
undermining your sanity without a doubt.-- Once again, too 'telling'. The last 2 lines of this stanza is quite decent though! =)
You can’t wake up without showing a smile,
a smile that will throw you into the nuthouse.

Being crazy really isn’t so bad,
but with that crazy feeling, you will never feel sad. -- A crazy who knows he/she's crazy? Hmm, interesting.
“As mad as hatter” they all said.
you didn’t really care when they all bled. -- This is the best stanza in the whole poem in my opinion. Really intrigues me. If only it's placed earlier. Maybe use it as the first stanza?

You now live alone, no one to care
all of your walls are beginning to tear. -- These 2 lines I feel can be removed. Just the last 2 lines I think is way more powerful.
Your “loved ones” are now all stuffed,
You stare at them longingly and began to laugh.

This was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Lots of potential here, so I would really love to see it being worked upon some more. Hope I'm of help! =)
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