Innocence lost

[Jae Mc Donnell]

I was just a boy, when I heard her cry,
it was almost time to go.

So innocent then, a small child of ten,
a feather from older wings.
Who knew it would be, this delicate me,
drawn to these wicked things.

I drew from its lips a venomous kiss
and neared my time to go.
It layed me to waste, gave my scars their place
and put my wounds on show.

So let mourners come, in their droves of none
to lay these bones in the ground.
Let death's cold breath, set rigid this chest
to draw this darkness down.

And leave me alone with one thing I know;
It’s now long past the time to go!

[cidermaid]

Hi Jae,
I enjoyed the jouney of thoughts and felt plenty of emotion throughout, and thought there were some nice images to pick up, but the read was marred by what appears to be simple typo's and punctuation errors. (In my opinion).
I'll offer a few of the things that stood out and some thoughts as I read through this. Hope this is not too much for the mild section.

I was just a boy, when I heard her cry, I read this as a statement so want a full stop at the end of this line. I appreciate that this might be your intent that her cry was the words in the next line. But i'm reading this as if she was phisically crying
It was almost time to go!

So innocent then, this small child of ten, The word "this make the line feel clunky. Could you use "a" instead.
a feather from older wings. Liked this
Who knew it would be, this delicate me, syntax is a bit odd but it still works for me.
drawn to these wicked things.

I drew from its lip a venomous kiss, Its' (also should it be lips). Again like the image. Don't need the comma after kiss I think
and neared my time to go.
It lay me to waist and gave scars their place Not sure, but think this is meant to be; It lays me to waste or layed me to waste. Unless the intent was to draw particular attention to the belly area
to put these wounds on show. What wounds? Gut wounds? I got a bit lost here. I think I understand the drift and general intent but the words used do not quite make sense to me. Could just be me!

So let mourners come, in their droves of none
to lay these bones in the ground.
Let deaths cold breath set rigid this chest death's and perhaps a comma after breath
to draw this darkness down. Great stanza in terms of clarity, flow and image.

And leave me alone with one thing I know;
It’s now long past the time to go! Nice solid ending

I like the work you have started here. Hope these comments are of some help. AJ

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Thanks for the reply AJ. Yup lots of typos there, sorry about that I changed the bits. hope it reads a bit better.

Will take a look at an edit later. Thanks again