The Candle

[Olweseregon]

One candle
Flickers in the night

No one heard
The sound
Of the candle dying out

[cidermaid]

Hi,

Sorry but for me this poem was a bit like having a very small teaspoon of sorbet...a single fleeting hit of flavour then it is all over and quickly dissapates leaving me with nothing. There is nothing wrong with the idea or length as such, it just lacks substance in my opinion and reads like an old sayings or proverb.
I would have liked some punctuation.

AJ

[tectak]

One candle
Flickers in the night

No one heard
The sound
Of the candle dying out

Hi,
You have submitted a line or two of text. You wish for serious critique. Poetry comes in many forms but no matter what you hear not all poetry is good poetry. I would argue,though, that if someone makes an effort to write poetry then it would be churlish not to advance constructive criticism. Sadly, in this piece, there is not enough to judge the quality of the piece and no indication that you have made any effort. So I will say nothing...and my effort is still greater than your effort.
Best,
tectak

[brandontoh]

[quote='Olweseregon' pid='117954' dateline='1362244678']
One candle
Flickers in the night

No one heard
The sound
Of the candle dying out -- The poem as a whole feels a little too stiff. I'd try rewording it, but it's so short I'm scared of changing it too much.