The Vernal

[Keith]

1st Edit

The ice witch drips, moisture to ground.
Mother rolls round, tips her hat to the sun,
whispers warmth to field and forest,
gentle the gestures, change has begun.

Ditch and hedgerow bursting maternal,
gather their shelters from leaf and moss,
popping blue bells call time on all listeners,
the bridge between seasons is ready to cross.

A whiskered twitch, sniffs out from burrow,
blankets of leaves are folded away,
high flying birds sense their calling,
gaggle and chatter, will fly today.

Bright yellow fanfares bunch and bustle,
orchestral flora tune up to play,
earth conducts each buzz and whistle,
batons of sunlight held by the day.

Natural blood begins to rush,
frisky feet follow courtships dance ,
hungry mouths find teats to push,
Springs in our step, life has its chance.




Original

The ice witch drips, granting deep damp wishes,
Mother rolls round, tilts her hat to the sun,
whispers warmth, to field and forest,
gentle the gestures, change has begun.

Ditch and hedgerow, bursting maternal,
gather their shelters, from leaf and moss,
subtle flutters call time on all listeners ,
The bridge between seasons is ready to cross.

A whiskered twitch, sniffs out from the burrow,
blankets of leaves are folded away,
high flying birds, sense their calling,
gaggle and chatter will fly today.

Bright yellow fanfares, bunch and bustle,
orchestral flora tune up to play,
earth conducts each buzz and whistle
batons of sunlight , held by the day.

Vitalities queen brims green and lush,
frisky feet follow courtships dance ,
hungry mouths find teats to push,
Springs in our step, life has its chance.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
I seam to always be drawn to your poetry...and it is because I like your view of the world i guess. This is another one of those. Def a warm and fluffy moment reading this. Think you have captured some lovely images for spring. I'm sure there are plenty of little niggles to punt back and forth to make this a perfect piece, but in a way i don't want to see or acknowledge them because i like it as it is.
But I'll make a couple of offerings just to keep in the spirit of the thread.

The ice witch drips, granting deep damp wishes, ? a period here
Mother rolls round, tilts her hat to the sun,
whispers warmth, to field and forest,
gentle the gestures, change has begun. My only minor thought in this stanza is probably a Colloquialism for me...I would use, tips her hat in L3

Ditch and hedgerow, bursting maternal,
gather their shelters, from leaf and moss, Is the first comma on this line and the previous needed? (after hedgrow and shelters)
subtle flutters call time on all listeners ,
The bridge between seasons is ready to cross.

A whiskered twitch, sniffs out from the burrow, Perhaps the is not needed
blankets of leaves are folded away,
high flying birds, sense their calling, remove comma after birds
gaggle and chatter will fly today. ? a comma after chatter perhaps

Bright yellow fanfares, bunch and bustle,
orchestral flora tune up to play,
earth conducts each buzz and whistle
batons of sunlight , held by the day.

Vitalities queen brims green and lush, This does not read right but not sure how to correct ? The vital queen...but this changes the context. Sorry not much help
frisky feet follow courtships dance ,
hungry mouths find teats to push,
Springs in our step, life has its chance. Love all of this

Sorry seem to have had a bit of a comma thing going on in the middle. Which is rich comming from me, Mrs rubbish at punctuation and spelling!
AJ

[Keith]

Hi,
I seam to always be drawn to your poetry...and it is because I like your view of the world i guess. This is another one of those. Def a warm and fluffy moment reading this. Think you have captured some lovely images for spring. I'm sure there are plenty of little niggles to punt back and forth to make this a perfect piece, but in a way i don't want to see or acknowledge them because i like it as it is.
But I'll make a couple of offerings just to keep in the spirit of the thread.

The ice witch drips, granting deep damp wishes, ? a period here
Mother rolls round, tilts her hat to the sun,
whispers warmth, to field and forest,
gentle the gestures, change has begun. My only minor thought in this stanza is probably a Colloquialism for me...I would use, tips her hat in L3

Ditch and hedgerow, bursting maternal,
gather their shelters, from leaf and moss, Is the first comma on this line and the previous needed? (after hedgrow and shelters)
subtle flutters call time on all listeners ,
The bridge between seasons is ready to cross.

A whiskered twitch, sniffs out from the burrow, Perhaps the is not needed
blankets of leaves are folded away,
high flying birds, sense their calling, remove comma after birds
gaggle and chatter will fly today. ? a comma after chatter perhaps

Bright yellow fanfares, bunch and bustle,
orchestral flora tune up to play,
earth conducts each buzz and whistle
batons of sunlight , held by the day.

Vitalities queen brims green and lush, This does not read right but not sure how to correct ? The vital queen...but this changes the context. Sorry not much help
frisky feet follow courtships dance ,
hungry mouths find teats to push,
Springs in our step, life has its chance. Love all of this

Sorry seem to have had a bit of a comma thing going on in the middle. Which is rich comming from me, Mrs rubbish at punctuation and spelling!
AJ

Many thanks for taking the time and the advice I will make some changes. Much appreciated K