Amongst The Clay

[saeity]

Of delicate bones- crafted-
A blank canvas
eager awaits impressive imprints
palmed in a worldly scene of unfulfilled compromise.

How a life timed of rough tides
will come to embattle
the shores, pulling strength
from weakness; to seek
truth in lies.

Looking up to the sky
and sea in such beauty shadowing
the contrast in natures, as aged
bones bound to earth,
shall, in their finality, lay down
in preparation once more to embrace
their creative maker.

[brandontoh]

Of delicate bones- crafted- -- Not sure why there are 2 dashes here.
A blank canvas
eager awaits impressive imprints -- The syntax here sounds a little odd to me, but it's nothing major. The first 2 lines of the stanza sets out to give a strong imagery, but the 3rd line sort of falls flat. Impressive is not a word I'd use to give the image life. Something more tangible that links to out senses should improve the stanza quite a bit.
palmed in a worldly scene of unfulfilled compromise. -- This line could have been powerful, but the 3rd line just takes too much out of the stanza as a whole to really give it the impact that it needs.

How a life timed of rough tides -- Once again, the syntax is a little weird here.
will come to embattle
the shores, pulling strength
from weakness; to seek
truth in lies. -- Good imagery with the shores and the tides. Bordering on cliche though, but it's nice nonetheless.

Looking up to the sky
and sea in such beauty shadowing
the contrast in natures, as aged
bones bound to earth, -- The enjambments of the 2nd to 4th lines don't really add anything to the poem. I find that they are kind of irritating, but considering that the rest of the enjambments do work, I say just a simple restructuring will do the trick.
shall, in their finality, lay down -- This line is not really needed in my opinion.
in preparation once more to embrace
their creative maker.

Overall it's an entertaining read. I really enjoyed it. Hope that I'm of help! =)

[tectak]

Of delicate bones- crafted-
A blank canvas This is not a sentence. The punctuation lack does not help the reader to understand what you are saying. Just starting with "Of" is a problem in itself. The hyphens are bizarre. Try "Crafted of delicate bone (s?), a blank canvas eager(ly) awaits impressive imprints ( is there any other kind?), palmed in a worldly scene of unfulfilled compromise" Bugger...even when correctly punctuated it still makes no sense. Use words you are sure of. Palmed in? worldly? unfullfilled (com) promise? If this is word play it is not working.
eager awaits impressive imprints
palmed in a worldly scene of unfulfilled compromise.

How a life timed of rough tides"life timed by" or "life time of", as if it matters.
will come to embattleembattle is completely the wrong word
the shores, pulling strength
from weakness; to seek
truth in lies. gobbledygook masquerading as profundity.

Looking up to the sky
and sea in such beauty shadowing hard to look up to the sea...so do you mean "see"? I am sorry, but again, you have not shown the confidence to convince me that this is a deliberate word choice.
the contrast in natures, as aged It does not matter how poorly understood punctuation is, everyone knows that after a full stop you use a capital letter...though you are now in such a mess with this that you really need to look at posting rules. Check for basic errors before posting. If you really believe you are making sense then please read my closing comments.
bones bound to earth,
shall, in their finality, lay down
in preparation once more to embrace embrace???
their creative maker. Tautology. If you are a maker you create. Creative is an obvious filler word

Hi saiety,
Did I read somewhere that english is not your first language? I do hope so because all of my comments in the text would seem to suggest that you are suffering from some of the errors caused by the idiosyncrasies of the english language....so do not judge either of us too harshly. You are trying much too hard to be poetic instead of writing poetry. Wordiness is an addiction to the writer and an anathema to the reader. Simplify your work and impress with clarity and conceptual novelty. Use metaphors to explain, not to obscure, meaning. Avoid being "preachy" in stating your truths, because they may only be your truths and not your Gods!

Best,
tectak

[escorial]

liked

[saeity]

Of delicate bones- crafted- -- Not sure why there are 2 dashes here.
A blank canvas
eager awaits impressive imprints -- The syntax here sounds a little odd to me, but it's nothing major. The first 2 lines of the stanza sets out to give a strong imagery, but the 3rd line sort of falls flat. Impressive is not a word I'd use to give the image life. Something more tangible that links to out senses should improve the stanza quite a bit.
palmed in a worldly scene of unfulfilled compromise. -- This line could have been powerful, but the 3rd line just takes too much out of the stanza as a whole to really give it the impact that it needs.

How a life timed of rough tides -- Once again, the syntax is a little weird here.
will come to embattle
the shores, pulling strength
from weakness; to seek
truth in lies. -- Good imagery with the shores and the tides. Bordering on cliche though, but it's nice nonetheless.

Looking up to the sky
and sea in such beauty shadowing
the contrast in natures, as aged
bones bound to earth, -- The enjambments of the 2nd to 4th lines don't really add anything to the poem. I find that they are kind of irritating, but considering that the rest of the enjambments do work, I say just a simple restructuring will do the trick.
shall, in their finality, lay down -- This line is not really needed in my opinion.
in preparation once more to embrace
their creative maker.

Overall it's an entertaining read. I really enjoyed it. Hope that I'm of help! =)

Hi brandontoh, yes you picked up on some really good points there, the first being overemphasis of the word crafted, eager was a typo should have been eagerly, thankyou for your constructive criticism

Tectac, oh my! If I had a pair of bollocks they'd be hanging out of my mouth right now, ouch. Fortunately I'm a masochist and I think I rather enjoyed your review. I appreciate the fact the inversion does not work and yes it was a play on words, placing I think too much emphasis on sound rather than content. It is a piece written outside of my comfort zone and you picked up on that, well done. I do enjoy wordplay though it was obviously lost on you here. Your critique has been most refreshing and I thankyou so much for your honesty. This is one piece that shall not see a revision.

Escorial, I'm glad you liked- thankyou

saeity.

[tectak]

Of delicate bones- crafted- -- Not sure why there are 2 dashes here.
A blank canvas
eager awaits impressive imprints -- The syntax here sounds a little odd to me, but it's nothing major. The first 2 lines of the stanza sets out to give a strong imagery, but the 3rd line sort of falls flat. Impressive is not a word I'd use to give the image life. Something more tangible that links to out senses should improve the stanza quite a bit.
palmed in a worldly scene of unfulfilled compromise. -- This line could have been powerful, but the 3rd line just takes too much out of the staynza as a whole to really give it the impact that it needs.

How a life timed of rough tides -- Once again, the syntax is a little weird here.
will come to embattle
the shores, pulling strength
from weakness; to seek
truth in lies. -- Good imagery with the shores and the tides. Bordering on cliche though, but it's nice nonetheless.

Looking up to the sky
and sea in such beauty shadowing
the contrast in natures, as aged
bones bound to earth, -- The enjambments of the 2nd to 4th lines don't really add anything to the poem. I find that they are kind of irritating, but considering that the rest of the enjambments do work, I say just a simple restructuring will do the trick.
shall, in their finality, lay down -- This line is not really needed in my opinion.
in preparation once more to embrace
their creative maker.

Overall it's an entertaining read. I really enjoyed it. Hope that I'm of help! =)

Hi brandontoh, yes you picked up on some really good points there, the first being overemphasis of the word crafted, eager was a typo should have been eagerly, thankyou for your constructive criticism

Tectac, oh my! If I had a pair of bollocks they'd be hanging out of my mouth right now, ouch. Fortunately I'm a masochist and I think I rather enjoyed your review. I appreciate the fact the inversion does not work and yes it was a play on words, placing I think too much emphasis on sound rather than content. It is a piece written outside of my comfort zone and you picked up on that, well done. I do enjoy wordplay though it was obviously lost on you here. Your critique has been most refreshing and I thankyou so much for your honesty. This is one piece that shall not see a revision.

Escorial, I'm glad you liked- thankyou

saeity.

Hi saeity,
You are a pleasure to crit I do hope you were not offended in ANY way by my calls on your poem. There is no other way to say some things other than with a dash of good humour. Please, do NOT let this piece languish. Revise it. That is what workshopping is all about. Remember, too, that (almost) all is opinion. Take from crit all that you can live with and jettison the rest.....but do not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nurture it and let it grow.
Best,
tectak

[saeity]

Hi saeity,
You are a pleasure to crit I do hope you were not offended in ANY way by my calls on your poem. There is no other way to say some things other than with a dash of good humour. Please, do NOT let this piece languish. Revise it. That is what workshopping is all about. Remember, too, that (almost) all is opinion. Take from crit all that you can live with and jettison the rest.....but do not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Nurture it and let it grow.
Best,
tectak

Absolutely no offence taken I'm here to learn. As for the piece maybe I'll let it stew. Now that's poem two done I think number three of at least three hundred wants to be heard lol. Once again, thanks, it really, really is appreciated

saeity.