Posts: 14
Threads: 7
Joined: Jul 2012
My purpose of this poem is to cause either distaste or affection. Give your opinion!
Quote:Dead or live
Wanted for life
Outlawed
Empty stomach
Starving to death
Without love
Without friends
Hurting heart screams in the dark
Blooded in the cold street
Why is it in a quote box? I can relate to the subject, but I wish there was more to chew on. When you say "blooded", do you mean something particular by it, or do you mean 'bleeding' or 'bled'?
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
(03-01-2013, 03:00 AM)SonOfAlbania Wrote: My purpose of this poem is to cause either distaste or affection. Give your opinion!
Quote:Dead or live
Wanted for life
Outlawed
Empty stomach
Starving to death
Without love
Without friends
Hurting heart screams in the dark
Blooded in the cold street
If you want to elicit certain emotions from people, I suggest doing that by involving the 5 senses. That will help immerse the readers into the poem and also strengthen the impact. Your word choices as they stand are unable to do that. You're telling people what's going on instead of showing, which makes your poem flat. It's not at the level of being able to evoke any sort of emotions yet, so do write more. Hope I'm of help!
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