Dandelions - help needed!
#1
Some 15 years ago I gave this to an elderly gentleman in Church (give him some respect he flew Lancaster’s in the last months of WWII). Anyway he loved it and at the time I didn't realise how bad it was, so we were both happy, sadly he has gone and suggested to the vicar that this might be nice for me to read this out on Mothering Sunday service (to about 500 + people), so it's booked and because he is so nice I feel I can't change the poem choice (I wrote it for him all those years ago).

So a little help needed to take out some of the real cringe factors.
Will need to keep the story the same. Feel free to get drunk, masturbate or get high whilst offering any suggestion...just please keep it out of the poem - they are nice people with children you know! Tongue




DANDELIONS !

Observe the tender care and admiration
that a man out in his plot,
Lavishes upon his cultivations,
lest his tender charges throw in their lot.

Then view the humble Dandelion,
often as not from his plot ejected.
No well watered, mulched and crumbled spot.
Just one sight of his face and he is rejected.

Who looks out for his needs
or takes a care if he does not set seed?
He is marked and counted as a weed.

Yet despite this lack of nurturing,
he dose not wilt or fade.
His shining countenance is not cast down
When his lot falls in the shade.

His optimism and enthusiasm
is never crushed or confounded,
By adverse circumstances
or lack of given allowances.

Unloved, unwanted. Rejected, despised.
Persistent, persecution is directed at him.
His existence and presence his only sin.
(He hears another voice) “Loved. Beloved. Cherished. Desired.”

He will grow in virtually any place
… a dark deep drain, a dry cliff face.
His deep roots an anchor, seeking nourishment.
Tender shoots an offering, subject to punishment.

(Oh yes it is true, he can be slain
….but not with ease or without trouble.
Burnt off, pulled up, cut off. Unjustly poisoned.
But, leave just one trace and back comes double).

AND THEN…,

not content to skulk around and lick his wounds in hiding;
He sets his face to shine forth his creators’ grace
and goes about evangelising.

Nowhere is out of bounds for this happy shining light.
He turns his face to meet the grief in each new place,
Spurred on by discouragement, stirred by the sight
of each new day’s dawning glory and grace.

Thus found in his finest hour; well met,
in extending arms of love and encouragement,
on the wind of enthusiasm his life fruit is set.

No rest or laurels are his want to sit upon,
for his work is far from done.
For he is made of an enduring spirit
and although he sleeps with the setting sun,

he rises early to embrace each new day
and his shining countenance will not fade away.
Because the fruit of his life is displayed,
Far and wide and with glory arrayed.

Listen! The voice he hears is calling:-
“Come out from hiding – Arise and shine.
Come my darling my beautiful one.
SHINE ! For I am yours and you are mine”.
Reply
#2
masturbating and other private pleasures aside, Dandelion can be used as a medicinal herb, so it is useful as well as strong and happy.

It is cleansing.

perhaps the humble dandelion is maligned, this is the fault of the ignorant doubters and not theplant.


It is not that bad - for your purpose.
Reply
#3
Keep it out of the poem, or out of the critique? The truth is that your poems are so full of flowers and trees and grass and skies and birds and sunlight and other pleasant things that I can't sit still. It's a complex situation. I get high and drunk off of flowers and bright colors; my mind goes primitive and I get too excited and out of sorts to talk about rhythm and rhyme. That's exactly how it is. Even the snow you write about has charm, though I don't like snow very much.

Even a poem like this where those things aren't in the forefront, I can still feel it. That's what happens.
Reply
#4
hi aj, that it's in mild means we can only pull on a few things. (not read it yet but i'll go beyound that if i see any glary stuff Smile all in all it looks like it will read okay. you'll obvilously set the tempo how you wish it to be and that will play the largest part of his presentation.

(02-27-2013, 05:02 PM)cidermaid Wrote:  Some 15 years ago I gave this to an elderly gentleman in Church (give him some respect he flew Lancaster’s in the last months of WWII). Anyway he loved it and at the time I didn't realise how bad it was, so we were both happy, sadly he has gone and suggested to the vicar that this might be nice for me to read this out on Mothering Sunday service (to about 500 + people), so it's booked and because he is so nice I feel I can't change the poem choice (I wrote it for him all those years ago).
So a little help needed to take out some of the real cringe factors.
Will need to keep the story the same. Feel free to get drunk, masturbate or get high whilst offering any suggestion...just please keep it out of the poem - they are nice people with children you know! Tongue
i think a bit of enjambemnt might help a little


Observe the tender care and admiration
a man out in his plot Lavishes
upon his cultivations,
lest his tender charges throw in their lot.



DANDELIONS !

Observe the tender care and admiration
that a man out in his plot, is 'that' needed?
Lavishes upon his cultivations,
lest his tender charges throw in their lot.

Then view the humble Dandelion,
often as not from his plot ejected.feels a little wordy.
No well watered, mulched and crumbled spot. i like this line. it's earthy
Just one sight of his face and he is rejected.

Who looks out for his needs
or takes a care if he does not set seed?
He is marked and counted as a weed. does the anthropomorphism work well enough or would 'it/it's' be better

Yet despite this lack of nurturing,
he dose not wilt or fade.
His shining countenance is not cast down
When his lot falls in the shade.

His optimism and enthusiasm would optimistic enthusiasm read better?
is never crushed or confounded,
By adverse circumstances
or lack of given allowances.

Unloved, unwanted. Rejected, despised.
Persistent, persecution is directed at him.
His existence and presence his only sin.
(He hears another voice) “Loved. Beloved. Cherished. Desired.”

He will grow in virtually any place
… a dark deep drain, a dry cliff face.
His deep roots an anchor, seeking nourishment.
Tender shoots an offering, subject to punishment.

(Oh yes it is true, he can be slain
….but not with ease or without trouble.
Burnt off, pulled up, cut off. Unjustly poisoned.
But, leave just one trace and back comes double).

AND THEN…,

not content to skulk around and lick his wounds in hiding;
He sets his face to shine forth his creators’ grace
and goes about evangelising.

Nowhere is out of bounds for this happy shining light.
He turns his face to meet the grief in each new place,
Spurred on by discouragement, stirred by the sight
of each new day’s dawning glory and grace.

Thus found in his finest hour; well met,
in extending arms of love and encouragement,
on the wind of enthusiasm his life fruit is set.

No rest or laurels are his want to sit upon,
for his work is far from done. no need for 'for'
For he is made of an enduring spirit
and although he sleeps with the setting sun,

he rises early to embrace each new day
and his shining countenance will not fade away.
Because the fruit of his life is displayed,
Far and wide and with glory arrayed.

Listen! The voice he hears is calling:-
“Come out from hiding – Arise and shine.
Come my darling my beautiful one.
SHINE ! For I am yours and you are mine”.
Reply
#5
Thanks for the comments Billy, always really helpful as ever....I'm always amazed at how often when I look at some critique notes, how glaringly obvious the corrections seem but they were not noticed or picked up on previously. Guess it's getting your eye in or something like that. Dreadding reading this out. Hate microphones. Hate speaking in public...get pathetically nervous.
Not my idea of fun. AJ
Reply
#6
so the problem is more about reading anything than this piece in particular?

I also feel like that when reading at things -I don't know what to say to help you except that probably the audience will appreciate it.

Probably alot, and at least the topic is not masturbation, getting drunk or getting high!

go well

StalKy
Reply
#7
Thanks for the encouragment stalker and Rowens.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!