I Don't Care

[Wjames]

I've decided to call this poem I Don't Care. I've added another three stanzas to the beginning of this poem.

Edited twice:

Distant blue moon
dancing light,
traces faint
scorched ember nights.

Steam-breath laughter,
cold skin touch.
Stone faced rapture,
heart scarred blush
insides.

Demure, lifeless leisure drones
lie slack, and unperturbed.
By empty dreamscapes
gone to black; withered and obscured.

Time flies
when you're alone.
That’s best,
it's all I’ve known.
I haven’t seen her face in years.
I don’t care
anymore.

Ever growing seldom knowing post psychotic womb dreams
arrive while I’m awake.

Ever present effervescent esoteric moonbeams
shine every time I make
love.

A laugh erupts atop the stair.
Pink velvet pulse
beyond compare,
dress daylight's breath
in cashmere flare
silk smooth.

The smile spreads
throughout the coach.
Weaves blinding threads
to frowning hosts
asleep.

[rowens]

Did you mean to have the comma after "shine every time I make"?

[newsclippings]

I'd call this "The Lady with the Baby"

but I often tend to give my poems arbitrary titles.

[Wjames]

Did you mean to have the comma after "shine every time I make"?

Yeah, I'm not sure if it fits.

[rowens]

You put "love" on the next line, so you wanted a pause, and a comma in that situation doesn't fit well. I've tried that before too. And if you didn't want any longer pause than the line break will do, then it isn't really needed. You probably don't want a too long pause anyway do you?

[Wjames]

You put "love" on the next line, so you wanted a pause, and a comma in that situation doesn't fit well. I've tried that before too. And if you didn't want any longer pause than the line break will do, then it isn't really needed. You probably don't want a too long pause anyway do you?

Yeah, I think it flows better without the comma. Thanks

[justcloudy]

love this. the rhythm is enchanting. reminds me of pink floyd... I see it as how you might see life during a really great trip.

"trip" might work as a double meaning title, but dunno if that works for you.

[Wjames]

love this. the rhythm is enchanting. reminds me of pink floyd... I see it as how you might see life during a really great trip.

"trip" might work as a double meaning title, but dunno if that works for you.

Thanks, I'm glad you like it . It is sort of about both kind of trips. I wrote the last half on a train ride, after I had written the first half a couple of weeks ago.

[Keith]

This rolls very nicley, the opening line grabs me and I like the way you drop the alliteration before it gets too obvious, nice job. Thanks for the read TOMH

[Wjames]

This rolls very nicley, the opening line grabs me and I like the way you drop the alliteration before it gets too obvious, nice job. Thanks for the read TOMH

Thanks, I'm glad people have been saying they like the rhythm of this one; I usually find that to be one of my weaknesses.

[Wjames]

I've added a new beginning stanza. I think it makes it a bit more complete.

[rowens]

A couple grammar errors up there. You see them? It's sometimes easy to miss that stuff in your own work.

[Wjames]

A couple grammar errors up there. You see them? It's sometimes easy to miss that stuff in your own work.

Thanks, just did a quick edit.

[rowens]

Now that I know they aren't done on purpose: daylight's breath can be fixed. Sometimes you have to wait to see if someone wants to have different grammar.

[justcloudy]

the first stanza ties to together for me, really like it. but for the sake of rhythm I would put

"Time flies
when you're alone.
That’s best,
it's all I’ve known.
I haven’t seen her face in years.
But I don't care
for her anymore."

or something like that. might just be personal preference.
but really. gorgeous poem.

[Wjames]

the first stanza ties to together for me, really like it. but for the sake of rhythm I would put

"Time flies
when you're alone.
That’s best,
it's all I’ve known.
I haven’t seen her face in years.
But I don't care
for her anymore."

or something like that. might just be personal preference.
but really. gorgeous poem.

That definitely has a better rhythm to it, but I like the line as more of a general statement about everything than just about her. I'll have to think about it, thanks for the tip.

[Wjames]

I added another three stanzas to the beginning of the poem. I think it needed a bit more of an introduction.