Déjà, déjà Vu (or déjà, déjà, déjà vu)
#1
Backwash slays the army of small pebbles on the shore;
swamped by the foreign foam from distant land.
I watch stone soldiers run, God-left in this war;
then faithlessly they fall, and turn to sand.

Once the burning Buddhists lit the conscience of our age;
the sea that moats around us quenched that flame.
I feel that I’m no cleaner, though I memorised the page,
that turns and turns and turns… but reads the same.

Fire, come cremate us! Water drown us all!
For we, kings of our destiny, want war!
Again, again, again we rise. Again, again we fall;
to share the dust with others…who have walked this road before.


Tectak ( Ooooo shit! I've gone all serious)
2013
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#2
the 2nd verse is really excellent. i was taking a chance with the interpretation of the first line, first verse, so i my be out in that verse, other than that no nits. i enjoyed the read, the title works well, better than i thought it would. it's clever and works well with the turns you have going on.

(02-25-2013, 08:26 PM)tectak Wrote:  Backwash slays the army of small pebbles on the shore; all i can think of is tsunami, which works for me. small pebbles being people in it's path.b]
swamped by the foreign foam from distant land.
I watch stone soldiers run, God-left in this war;
then faithlessly they fall, and turn to sand.

Once the burning Buddhists lit the conscience of our age;
the sea that moats around us quenched that flame.
I feel that I’m no cleaner, though I memorised the page,
that turns and turns and turns… but reads the same. [b] there is something about this line that is amazing, it says nowt yet opens up visions of prayer wheels and simpler places. the whole of this verse feels like a prayer wheel waiting to be spun


Fire, come cremate us! Water drown us all!
For we, kings of our destiny, want war!
Again, again, again we rise. Again, again we fall;
to share the dust with others…who have walked this road before. nice closing, i like the ranty feel it has. i also like the lack of hope that it's embude with


Tectak ( Ooooo shit! I've gone all serious)
2013
Reply
#3
(02-25-2013, 08:26 PM)tectak Wrote:  Backwash slays the army of small pebbles on the shore;
swamped by the foreign foam from distant land. ---- ok, so of course this makes sense, but if i were being overly critical I would say that using 'from distant land' suggests that land itself is distant [but now I think about it that's quite a nice idea].
I watch stone soldiers run, God-left in this war;
then faithlessly they fall, and turn to sand. ---- yes, the analogy works for me. but I don't like the 'god-left' turn, but it is only a small thing.

Once the burning Buddhists lit the conscience of our age; ---- this line sounds a little hokey if not cliche.
the sea that moats around us quenched that flame.
I feel that I’m no cleaner, though I memorised the page,
that turns and turns and turns… but reads the same. --- These last two lines are very interesting indeed. But at the moment I am not sure if they are interesting good or interesting not so goodSmile I'll have to have a think about it.

Fire, come cremate us! Water drown us all!
For we, kings of our destiny, want war! ---- could this be tidied up a bit? the parenthesis just gets in the way I think and sounds forced.
Again, again, again we rise. Again, again we fall;
to share the dust with others…who have walked this road before. --- nice anticlimactic last line.

Tectak ( Ooooo shit! I've gone all serious)
2013


overall I enjoyed this poem. But the subject or idea of the poem is a little old. How many poems about history repeating itself does one need? If one is to write about a cliche subject then one must be certain it is fucknuts original; I am not sure this one is, but it is a pleasant read.
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#4
(02-25-2013, 10:01 PM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
(02-25-2013, 08:26 PM)tectak Wrote:  Backwash slays the army of small pebbles on the shore;
swamped by the foreign foam from distant land. ---- ok, so of course this makes sense, but if i were being overly critical I would suggest that using 'from distant land' suggests that land itself is distant [but now I think about it that's quite a nice idea].
I watch stone soldiers run, God-left in this war;
then faithlessly they fall, and turn to sand. ---- yes, the analogy works for me. but I don't like the 'god-left' turn, but it is only a small thing.

Once the burning Buddhists lit the conscience of our age; ---- this line sounds a little hokey if not cliche.
the sea that moats around us quenched that flame.
I feel that I’m no cleaner, though I memorised the page,
that turns and turns and turns… but reads the same. --- These last two lines are very interesting indeed. But at the moment I am not sure if they are interesting good or interesting not so goodSmile I'll have to have a think about it.

Fire, come cremate us! Water drown us all!
For we, kings of our destiny, want war! ---- could this be tidied up a bit? the parenthesis just gets in the way I think and sounds forced.
Again, again, again we rise. Again, again we fall;
to share the dust with others…who have walked this road before. --- nice anticlimactic last line.

Tectak ( Ooooo shit! I've gone all serious)
2013


overall I enjoyed this poem. But the subject or idea of the poem is a little old. How many poems about history repeating itself does one need? If one is to write about a cliche subject then one must be certain it is fucknuts original; I am not sure this one is, but it is a pleasant read.

Hi Shem,
Last first....of course, you are absolutely right regarding the "old coat" subject. I hoped that the irony of repetition was what this was about rather than the repetition itself.....in other words, it is dej bloody deja vu! Enough already!
I only have weak recall through the mists of....of...well, marijuana smoke to be honest. The "burning Buddhist" was I hoped, a cliche passe! Even when it was a contemporary image of the times, the newspapers made a cliche out of what was, in retrospect, a fairly isolated occurence.
Whimsically, I have often watched the retreating waves on a sandy, sloping shore tumble and drag small pebbles....it seemed to me to be the perfect example of the irresistable force. Nature on a small scale doing her thing. And whimsically still, I could equate this to the impossibilty of winning the war against war.....it goes on and on because that's what waves do.....and we are on that sloping, sandy beach. Every year.
Best,
and thanks. Will look at all. What parentheses?
tectak

(02-25-2013, 09:50 PM)billy Wrote:  the 2nd verse is really excellent. i was taking a chance with the interpretation of the first line, first verse, so i my be out in that verse, other than that no nits. i enjoyed the read, the title works well, better than i thought it would. it's clever and works well with the turns you have going on.

(02-25-2013, 08:26 PM)tectak Wrote:  Backwash slays the army of small pebbles on the shore; all i can think of is tsunami, which works for me. small pebbles being people in it's path.b]
swamped by the foreign foam from distant land.
I watch stone soldiers run, God-left in this war;
then faithlessly they fall, and turn to sand.

Once the burning Buddhists lit the conscience of our age;
the sea that moats around us quenched that flame.
I feel that I’m no cleaner, though I memorised the page,
that turns and turns and turns… but reads the same. [b] there is something about this line that is amazing, it says nowt yet opens up visions of prayer wheels and simpler places. the whole of this verse feels like a prayer wheel waiting to be spun


Fire, come cremate us! Water drown us all!
For we, kings of our destiny, want war!
Again, again, again we rise. Again, again we fall;
to share the dust with others…who have walked this road before. nice closing, i like the ranty feel it has. i also like the lack of hope that it's embude with


Tectak ( Ooooo shit! I've gone all serious)
2013

Hi billy.
I am worried about this word of mine "backwash". I recall a poem of yours delicately reminiscing on the childish joys of arse washing-by-waves. Backwash to me is just the water from a retreating wave....am I up the spout with this definition? Maybe I shoud use "undertow"?
Shem makes some goodpoints which I will look in to. Hmmmmm. Backwash. backwash...mmm.yes...maybeback wash
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#5
hehe, i think shem was on the mark with his take. Smile backwash seems okay, i ell for the bastard. Big Grin
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#6
hello, just quickly as I have to work, but yes, damn... all the time i was writing about the subject being a little cliche I was think 'must mention that calling it deja vu is inspired etc etc.'
and yes I said parenthesis, but meant relative clause 'for we, kings..., want war'... I would prefer a better word order is all. And as I am here, 'kings of our destiny' is also walking a fine line...
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