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Ominous whispers of the land kiss the ear of the innocent,
Apparitions of blood tantalize the mind of the famished,
Wretched teeth of the corrupt pierce the chest of the pure,
The heart of the caged covets the soul of the free.
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I started to comment on this by saying cut down on the modifiers, but that isn't really the issue. It reads smoothly, but it feels too sterile, too distant. I think there needs to be more emotion in it. As it stands, it feels like a construct.
Just my initial thoughts
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 19
Threads: 8
Joined: Feb 2013
Yeah I tried to make it have a cold, disconnected/emotionless feel to it by using the repetition. Kinda to get the reader to get how a killer feels. But yeah maybe too much of anything isn't good. Thanks for the feedback
