Empty table

[Keith]

1st Edit


I tread barefoot with loft bound boxes,
clapping dust in sunlit streams,
follow a trail to places I’m sure of,
embarrassed by some friends I've seen.

Smiling tighter than a drum playing monkey,
I wash away nerves to fermented graves,
peer over rims to catch your arrival,
practicing words and ways to behave.

Crumbling thoughts into piles on a side plate,
scraping a chair at our table for doubt,
subtle the shame of the waiters basket,
resisting a sigh as I make my way out.

Your wardrobe contents are all tried on,
ready twice but still undressed,
memories and face fell heavy on lace,
unable to pass a widow's test.



Original

Clapping dust in streams of sunlight,
I tread barefoot on creaking planks,
follow the trail to places I’m sure of,
shaded by the dim lit lamps.

Trembling oceans crash waves of courage,
wash away nerves to fermented graves,
peer over rims to catch your arrival,
mouthing words, rehearse ways to behave.

Crumbling thoughts into piles on a side plate,
setting a place at our table for doubt,
subtle the shame of the waiters basket,
last supper spent, I make my way out.

Your wardrobe contents are all worn,
my numbers typed but failed to press,
makeup smeared, run with tears,
you couldn’t settle for second best.

[newsclippings]

For some reason this has an early 20th century feel to it. The only word that sticks out to me is "rehears" -- is it purposeful?

[Keith]

For some reason this has an early 20th century feel to it. The only word that sticks out to me is "rehears" -- is it purposeful?

Oops, thanks forpointing that out will get it sorted.

[justcloudy]

I agree with newsclippings, feels old fashioned, which is nice. but if you're going for that, might want to change the last stanza a bit with makeup etc.

also in the first stanza, planks and lamps seems to be a pretty weak rhyme, especially in relation to the other rhymes in the poem.

I really love the third stanza though. great imagery and lovely description of a difficult time for the poem's actors.

[Keith]

I agree with newsclippings, feels old fashioned, which is nice. but if you're going for that, might want to change the last stanza a bit with makeup etc.

also in the first stanza, planks and lamps seems to be a pretty weak rhyme, especially in relation to the other rhymes in the poem.

I really love the third stanza though. great imagery and lovely description of a difficult time for the poem's actors.

Thanks for the feedback I will let the dust settle and come back to it. I didn't mean for it to feel old fashioned, I guess that's just me.

[billy]

i liked the 1st verse but after that it feels like it's trying to hard. the 1st line of the 2nd sets the mould for the rest.
it feels like there's too many words
trembling waves of courage would probably do the same job without bludgeoning the line
sometimes less is better, don't forget images either.

thanks for the read.

Clapping dust in streams of sunlight,
I tread barefoot on creaking planks, no need for i tread, follow on the next line does the job for you. you may have to make follow, following
follow the trail to places I’m sure of,
shaded by the dim lit lamps. no need for 'the', not a bad opening

Trembling oceans crash waves of courage,
wash away nerves to fermented graves,
peer over rims to catch your arrival,
mouthing words, rehearse ways to behave.

Crumbling thoughts into piles on a side plate,
setting a place at our table for doubt,
subtle the shame of the waiters basket,
last supper spent, I make my way out.

Your wardrobe contents are all worn,
my numbers typed but failed to press,
makeup smeared, run with tears,
you couldn’t settle for second best.

[serge gurkski]

What can I say as a reader?
I do like the title a lot (very catchy)
I love the first two stanzas (with one minor objection: line one in stanza two. I think you overdosed here.)
With the other stanzas you suddeny change metaphors. I was just at the sea reading you and then I find myself in a restaurant.

I like shock effects. In general. ;-) I am not sure they work in your poem here.

I enjoyed the read.


cheers
Serge

[Keith]

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions I have used some in the edit, thanks for the help TOMH

[angel in the stars]

Love the first edit. It flows so much better mentally and gives good images. I wonder about the modification of the third line of the last stanza, it has a few better words but just comes across as a little bit clunky. Maybe that's just me, it could just be the comma is causing me to chop it and maybe that's what you were after.
I also agree with goldyfish that the rhyme of lamp and plank doesn't really coincide with the rest of the rhymes in the poem. It just sounded more forced than the others, which were quite solid.

[Keith]

Love the first edit. It flows so much better mentally and gives good images. I wonder about the modification of the third line of the last stanza, it has a few better words but just comes across as a little bit clunky. Maybe that's just me, it could just be the comma is causing me to chop it and maybe that's what you were after.
I also agree with goldyfish that the rhyme of lamp and plank doesn't really coincide with the rest of the rhymes in the poem. It just sounded more forced than the others, which were quite solid.

Thanks, have tried a quick edit on the plank lamp

[justcloudy]

love the edit. =]
much easier to read, much more coherent. well done.

[billy]

i had some trouble with this line;

loss smeared wiped into tears,

[Keith]

i had some trouble with this line;

loss smeared wiped into tears,

Yea I know, me too, will have a jiggle, Cheers

[Keith]

i had some trouble with this line;

loss smeared wiped into tears,

Yea I know, me too, will have a jiggle, Cheers

Jiggled I have, time to leave it me thinks, come back another day I shall.