Man Kind

[aaron]

So we've come to this.
From utopia earth
to advertisement slaves.

Injuring eternity or production
losing sight of spirit
third eye black and blue.

Engineering tractor troves
filled with steel monumental
pyramids built to endure

but they only occupy three dimensions
and are consumed by the fourth
we call the fourth duration.

innocent backs snapped by desperate need
internet zombie souls bleed blue blood
on broken computer monitor glass
in-content men trapped by corporate greed

Electricity pulses through our veins
shock and awe T.V. screens
putrid corpse crime scenes

Investigation of the truth
eludes the best revolutionary minds
our unidentified flying friends are laughing.

my imagination is a magical land
where no one has issues
and my life is complicated
as a slip knot
pull the strings
problem solved

and I can think deep
with out changing how I speak
without drinking till liver leaks
blood rosy as my cheeks

My thoughts are a beautiful place
where roads were never paved
over green grass and flowers
There are no gates
and nothing is separate

But my body is a cage
that ties me to this world
without it
gravity can't hold me

[popeye]

Thanks for the read aaron, a most enjoyable poem, loved stanzas eight and nine! Only one minor nit and that is punctuation, don't know if the full stops are typos or meant to be there, if they are intentional why only so few? Cheers.

[Shailenza]

I really enjoyed the poem as it showed that sometimes with all the technology around we are not conscious of our actions and thoughts. Writing allows our detachment from those material objects allowing us to be free and make our decisions. Nice job!

[brandontoh]

So we've come to this.
From utopia earth
to advertisement slaves. -- Yes, I know what you're trying to say. The word choices are quite apt, but I feel that it lacks impact. As the first stanza, it doesn't really pull me in. It may be just me though, because I tend to not be very interested in these sort of themes. Yet reading on, I feel that the second stanza serves better as the first. It gives off a sense of mystery and sets a question, which urges the reader to read on and find out. This current first stanza gives everything away, which I guess is okay, but is not for me.

Injuring eternity or production
losing sight of spirit
third eye black and blue. -- Like I said, I think this is better as the first stanza. Imagery may not be that strong, but it gets the readers thinking and curious, which is mostly a good sign.

Engineering tractor troves
filled with steel monumental
pyramids built to endure

but they only occupy three dimensions
and are consumed by the fourth
we call the fourth duration. -- is duration really the right word? I don't know. You build up this fourth dimension but the answer is sort of anti-climatic. It was quite a good buildup, so maybe a rephrase will make this revelation have more impact.

innocent backs snapped by desperate need
internet zombie souls bleed blue blood
on broken computer monitor glass
in-content men trapped by corporate greed

Electricity pulses through our veins
shock and awe T.V. screens
putrid corpse crime scenes

Investigation of the truth
eludes the best revolutionary minds
our unidentified flying friends are laughing. -- Nice imageries. Suddenly your poem springs to life with grotesque images that scorn our modern society. These 3 stanzas are really well done.

my imagination is a magical land
where no one has issues
and my life is complicated -- Shouldn't it be simple instead, if a pull of the strings will solve the problem?
as a slip knot
pull the strings
problem solved

and I can think deep
with out changing how I speak
without drinking till liver leaks
blood rosy as my cheeks

My thoughts are a beautiful place
where roads were never paved
over green grass and flowers
There are no gates
and nothing is separate -- These 3 stanzas are again, very well done. The contrast with reality is very clear. One grotesque and the other peaceful. However, I feel that there's potential to further strengthen the images. As they stand, the stanzas have good imageries, but the word choices I feel can be more emotive and give a bit more power to the contrast. Just my opinion though.

But my body is a cage
that ties me to this world
without it
gravity can't hold me -- Good finish. Love it! =) Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help. One last thing, please take note of punctuation! =)

[Smiffy]

Enjoyed the read Aaron, the voice in my head read it in slam style which worked very well,
Smiffy

[aaron]

thanx for your critiques everyone. i forgot i posted this sorry i didnt get back to you right away. this poem def needs some work those last four stanzas use to be a different poem but i decided to smush them together. I'll be working on smoothing things out.

thanx again for reading this

---

oh and one last thing. punctuation is stupid!

[justcloudy]

Aaron,
really loved this one. I love the way it sounds but I agree with some of the above commentors that the imagery needs to be a bit stronger, especially in the 3rd stanza my brain doesn't quite know what to picture.
beginning with "my imagination" the poem changes a lot and I love that. the two-in-one works really nicely.

[tectak]

So we've come to this.
From utopia earth
to advertisement slaves.

Injuring eternity or production
losing sight of spirit
third eye black and blue.

Engineering tractor troves
filled with steel monumental
pyramids built to endure

but they only occupy three dimensions
and are consumed by the fourth
we call the fourth duration.

innocent backs snapped by desperate need
internet zombie souls bleed blue blood
on broken computer monitor glass
in-content men trapped by corporate greed

Electricity pulses through our veins
shock and awe T.V. screens
putrid corpse crime scenes

Investigation of the truth
eludes the best revolutionary minds
our unidentified flying friends are laughing.

my imagination is a magical land
where no one has issues
and my life is complicated
as a slip knot
pull the strings
problem solved

and I can think deep
with out changing how I speak
without drinking till liver leaks
blood rosy as my cheeks

My thoughts are a beautiful place
where roads were never paved
over green grass and flowers
There are no gates
and nothing is separate

But my body is a cage
that ties me to this world
without it
gravity can't hold me

Repost in serious. It will not languish here because the crits are appreciative, but this is piece that I for one would like to see deconstructed. It is commitment verse that knows from the start where it is going.....and this is not easy after a journey if more than a dozen lines or so.
Very good stuff...if not entirely original in content that is only because it is a rich vein to mine. I like how you chipped away at the subject....the nuggets just kept on coming.
Congratulations.
Best,
tectak