Second poem -- critique appreciated

[Ethereal]

This is my second poem. I'm not particularly happy with it, but it's not the worst. I am very interested in learning how to improve it, though.[/align]

I fall deeper and deeper into the water.
Drowning in thoughts of a suicidal martyr.

Save me.
Save me.

I don't want to die.
I don't want to drown;
I don't want to fly.

I fear for the future;
I fear for the now.
I wish I could stop,
But I don't know how.

Please save me.
Save me.
Set me free.

Jump in the sea to bring me to land.
Please be my savior; take ahold of my hand.

I'll scream on the inside and smile for you,
As I swim farther into the blue.

I'll struggle against and loosen my grip,
With tears in my eyes beginning to drip.

But please never let go.
Never let go,
No matter how many times I plead and say "no".

Save me.

Save me.

Please save me.

[rowens]

The rhymes don't seem to fit this poem. It depends on how you look at it though. I do some things I call "demonic rhymes". And looking from that point of view, I can see them as having some purpose. The rest of it does seem to need a little something more, but I'm not sure what right now.

[Ethereal]

The rhymes don't seem to fit this poem. It depends on how you look at it though. I do some things I call "demonic rhymes". And looking from that point of view, I can see them as having some purpose. The rest of it does seem to need a little something more, but I'm not sure what right now.

Thank you so much for replying. \(^0^)/
I definitely know that it needs something more, but I can't place it either. I think the problem might be that I was pretty depersonalized while I wrote it, so there's not a whole lot of emotion in it. At least, not to me. Anyways, thanks for your help. =D

[saeity]

Hi Ethereal, I think there are a couple of areas maybe where this piece could be tightened up, I see you have written in the first person and the use of so many I can sometimes come across as a little over indulgent. I would also maybe, suggest losing the repetition.


I fall deeper and deeper into the water.- maybe lose I fall and replace with falling.
Drowning in thoughts of a suicidal martyr.

Save me.
Save me.-lose this line

I don't want to die.
I don't want to drown;- maybe lose the I
I don't want to fly.- ditto as above

I fear for the future;- maybe lose the I fear to fearing
I fear for the now.- ditto as above
I wish I could stop,
But I don't know how.

Please save me.
Save me.- I'd lose this line
Set me free.

Jump in the sea to bring me to land.
Please be my savior; take ahold of my hand.- typo a hold

I'll scream on the inside and smile for you,- maybe screaming on the inside, smiling for you
As I swim farther into the blue.-swimming further into the blue

I'll struggle against and loosen my grip,-struggling against, loosening my grip
With tears in my eyes beginning to drip.- maybe lose with

But please never let go.
Never let go,- Id lose this repetition
No matter how many times I plead and say "no".

Save me.

Save me.- again I'd lose this line

Please save me.

Just a few suggestions hope you don't mind.