One Flowers Life

[hobbit86]

**1st edit**

A flower lay on the floor
Every petal looked so pure.
Beauty shone from every leaf;
Along came a vile thief.

Plucked each petal with a smirk
Then stamped them down in the dirt.
Cut the leaves which gave them life
With something worst than a knife. a bit forced...

The strong deep roots in the ground
Shriveled up, no water found.
The flower died all alone
All the seeds not to be grown.

Many flowers that surround
No one missed it on the ground.
Dirty, sad, forgotten flower
Washed away by the shower.


I've tried to make the line rhythms the same...and tidy up the imagery...
Haven't changed much as I liked the way it went as a 'story' of a flower...but I think some of the rhymes may need tidying up...
..........................

**original**

There lay a flower on the floor
Every petal looked so pure.
Beauty shone from every leaf
Until along came a vile thief.

He plucked each petal with a smirk
Then stamped them down in the dirt.
He cut the leaves which provided life
With something worst than a knife.

The strong deep roots in the ground
Shrivelled up, with no water found.
The flower died all alone
All those seeds, never to be grown.

So many flowers all around
No one missed the one on the ground.
The dirty, sad forgotten flower
Got washed away by the shower.

©Invisible Shadows 2011

[Ethereal]

I just love your poetry. \(^0^)/
S1 was very good, and S2 followed closely in how good it was. I love the way S1 flows, but S2 adds so much to it that I had to mention it as well.
I don't think the line about the knife sounded very forced. Maybe slightly, but not strongly.

The one thing I can try to critique on is that I belive it should be "something worse" not "something worst". I also kind of like the original first line in S4 as opposed to the edit on that one.

[Michelle311]

Nice editing!
I enjoyed this poem. S2 is my favorite (I do agree about the rhyme being a little forced there, but I don't think I would've noticed on the first read if you hadn't noted it)
In S3 Line 4 might sound a little forced to me too.
I disagree with Ethereal on S4/L1. I prefer the edited version. I think S4 is the most improved from the edit! Good job!

Thanks for the read

[hobbit86]

thanks guys...I think I too prefer the edited version of L1 in S4...think I'm going to sit down and re do some of the rhyme that seems forced...

[LovePhantom]

Hey! Nice poem indeed! Thank you!

But yes, this line: "With something worst than a knife." need to be worked in as you stated

And there is ground used twice for the rhyme... it felt a bit weird when i read the second one that made me recheck going up till i found the other one. Is not that is wrong, but maybe you can try to use other word for the rhyme (down, wound...).

And yes, second version is way better, much better rhythm (nicer flow) and better images! Thank you!