It Is Death

[seriouslyme]

I smell you,I feel you
But you are merely mist
You died the other day
And I am dead since then.

The door will open
The phone will ring
And for a brief moment
It is you, until the
memory comes flooding.

I can only taste
The salt from my tears
Feel the ache in my chest
And this overwhelming
Sense of gone.

Cannot touch you
Cannot see you
you are like dust swept away
words erased from a page

I am alone now
standing in a crowded room
with everyone but you
and I can't see them

Does your heart still grasp to life
searching frantically for yourself
wanting to breathe, to live
but now you simply drift

I sit in your old chair
the imprint of your soul remains
the sound of your voice
still sounds the same.

Is it better to leave
than to lose?
One day I will know
and I will see you again.-

H.Awad

[Todd]

Hi Heather,

You've got some nice lines here, some comments below:

I smell you,I feel you--not the most evocative opener. I very much like the last two lines of this strophe though. I would suggest a possible rearranging of lines: If what you have is 1,2,3,4, I would suggest: 3,4,1,2
But you are merely mist
You died the other day
And I am dead since then.

The door will open
The phone will ring
And for a brief moment
It is you, until the
memory comes flooding.--This seems to be the type of poem that might do better with halting hesitation. Just a thought but maybe cut everything in this strophe after until.

I can only taste
The salt from my tears--This is a bit cliche and would be stronger with a substitute
Feel the ache in my chest--this is fine but it might be better grounded with an image that grounds the ache more "feels the ache in my chest like..."
And this overwhelming
Sense of gone.--like the vagueness of this

Cannot touch you
Cannot see you
you are like dust swept away
words erased from a page--These two lines are excellent. I think cutting the cannot lines might actually draw more attention to these lines

I am alone now
standing in a crowded room--I don't think standing is really necessary
with everyone but you
and I can't see them

Does your heart still grasp to life
searching frantically for yourself
wanting to breathe, to live
but now you simply drift--really nice progression

I sit in your old chair
the imprint of your soul remains
the sound of your voice
still sounds the same.--one thing that might be poignant and painful would be to have the sound of the voice not to be remembered correctly. Again just thoughts

Is it better to leave
than to lose?
One day I will know
and I will see you again.-

H.Awad

This is my favorite one of yours you've put up so far. It was a good read. Hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[jormungandr]

Agreed. I think in poetry, less is more. Try and remove extraneous words. Often times, these come to me as prepositions. "I," "but," "and," , etc. If you can convey the same message without the word, do so. Sometimes you can't, and that's fine. For example, I think "alone now," could work better than "I am alone now"

[hobbit86]

Very powerful and moving poem. Can really feel the sense of loss. I like the idea that it feels like the deceased is still a ghost within the house, but also the living person feels like a ghost themself

I am alone now
standing in a crowded room
with everyone but you
and I can't see them

I agree with Todd in rearranging the first stanzas lines to get a more powerful image.

the 2nd stanza it sounds like there's an accidental rhyme...

The door will open
The phone will ring
And for a brief moment
It is you, until the
memory comes flooding.

perhaps it was intentional...if so it might sound better 'flooding in'? if it's not intentional, perhaps change one of the words so it's not a rhyme...as there's no rhyme in rest of poem...

you are like dust swept away
words erased from a page

LOVE these two lines! the imagery is so strong...the sense of the deceased fading away. Slowly their scent/personality etc leaves the house...leaving it empty...and you really get a sense of this loss.


Love the poem though, really good imagery going on in there. Thanks for a great read!

[seriouslyme]

Thank you so much for your comments... I am glad you enjoyed reading it and I will definitely take those changes into consideration. I oftentimes will rewrite when I haven't read a poem for a long time. This one goes back for me a few years, so maybe an edit is due. = )

Heather

Very powerful and moving poem. Can really feel the sense of loss. I like the idea that it feels like the deceased is still a ghost within the house, but also the living person feels like a ghost themself

I am alone now
standing in a crowded room
with everyone but you
and I can't see them

I agree with Todd in rearranging the first stanzas lines to get a more powerful image.

the 2nd stanza it sounds like there's an accidental rhyme...

The door will open
The phone will ring
And for a brief moment
It is you, until the
memory comes flooding.

perhaps it was intentional...if so it might sound better 'flooding in'? if it's not intentional, perhaps change one of the words so it's not a rhyme...as there's no rhyme in rest of poem...

you are like dust swept away
words erased from a page

LOVE these two lines! the imagery is so strong...the sense of the deceased fading away. Slowly their scent/personality etc leaves the house...leaving it empty...and you really get a sense of this loss.


Love the poem though, really good imagery going on in there. Thanks for a great read!