Insignificant Footsteps in the Sand

[hobbit86]

There is a whole world out there
Beyond my death filled eyes;
Growing, twisting, flowering.
The insignificance of my touch
Like a gentle breeze stroking Everest.
Forever standing high above the clouds
Unmoving; forever changing; forever there,
Untouched by mans meager footsteps
Washed away in the sand.
The Ocean calls to the moon
Working together, both unwilling
To be conquered by the modern beasts;
Death comes to those reaching for the stars
Death comes to those controlling what cannot be tamed.
In harmony, the Earth still bumbles on
Immortal
Ancient
Unforgiving.
Destruction man can only dream of!

Invisible Shadows 2012

[brandontoh]

There is a whole world out there
Beyond my death filled eyes; -- These 2 lines I feel are a little too cheesy. A simple rewording can make it better. For example, 'There's so much more out there, I know,/Than what my sunken eyes see'.
Growing, twisting, flowering. -- Twisting feels a little off, unless that's what you're going for.
The insignificance of my touch
Like a gentle breeze stroking Everest. -- Nice lines here. Really like them. =)
Forever standing high above the clouds -- This line is a little too 'telling'. The imagery is not strengthened, unfortunately.
Unmoving; forever changing; forever there, -- This line feels redundant. It doesn't really serve to illustrate anything that can't be inferred already. The repetition of 'forever' doesn't seem necessary.
Untouched by mans meager footsteps
Washed away in the sand. -- Nice lines here. =) The switch in the imagery may seem abrupt to some because there's no stanza breaks in this poem, but it's a nice image nonetheless.
The Ocean calls to the moon
Working together, both unwilling
To be conquered by the modern beasts; -- What are the modern beasts you speak of? One suggestion would be 'to be conquered by concrete spears'.
Death comes to those reaching for the stars
Death comes to those controlling what cannot be tamed. -- For me, these 2 lines work, but they feel a little off. Maybe it's just me.
In harmony, the Earth still bumbles on
Immortal
Ancient
Unforgiving. -- I like these 4 lines. The majesty of nature is illustrated quite well I feel.
Destruction man can only dream of!

Invisible Shadows 2012

Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)