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So this is my first poem I've ever written. I went for a non rhyming format, aiming for a beat poem-ish vibe. Any thoughts would be appreciated 
"Elusivity"
Are these the ululating, atavistic moans of desire I've craved since adolescence?
Knawing, gnarling and crippling every sense of what is perceived to be unfeigned?
Strange how such a position delivers instant gratification yet is punctuated with insurmountable uncertainty.
Lost in natural confusion of rhythm, joy is there somewhere, screaming to be released.
Eyes tantalized by what's laid before them, and senses shot from the electricity of connection.
Each one devouring the other in trance-like vigor, scratching, clawing and biting.
Wolves would recoil with feverish discomfort.
Are these the cries of unquestionable, uncontrollable, arresting divinity?
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Welcome schmitler
I have to say, the imagery is good, but one of the first things that I "learned" about poetry is trying to stay away from sounding as elegant as possible. Of course, every writer has his or her own style, but there was a time for "poetic" sounding writing. Of course, that isn't to say that you shouldn't use words that are necessary for conveying your meaning, but the poem to me reads more as if someone just went through the thesaurus. Nevertheless, this is wonderful for a first attempt. I'm always of the opinion that less is more; don't use words if they aren't necessary to convey what you want to say.
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Thanks for the feedback jormungandr! Point taken and processed I suppose I just love to use what I perceive to be, less boring and obvious words to express myself, but I suppose (taking your point into consideration) it could almost alienate the reader or come across as tedious or pretentious (I would like to say that I didn't once use a thesaurus haha). My favorite poet is Ginsberg and I love the way he writes, with his lavish and expressive vocabulary. Maybe for my next one I should tone down the vocab a bit.
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the famous beat poets, tried to break the mould of what was normal poetry, they dissed the establishment, tried to break down what society had become, through a new kind of poetry and mix of hallucinogenics,
as far as i can see in your poem doesn't really have a story to break down, doesn't attck the system, doesn't ask questions about traffic jams, supermarkets or auto mobiles to name a few. while i dislike ginsberg, i did like his supermarket in california, but only after a lot of reads. in it he does have and use his expressive vocabulary, but he doesn't indulge in using it for the sake of it, he tells a story of his fantasies of what he thinks of whitman etc. the poetry feels lived in, like an old jack everyone can relate to, the feelings and emotions he eludes to being universal.
your poem on the other hand feels as though it wants to be a bit smart and clever. nothing wrong with that if that's where you want it to go, if not, cut back on connecting words together and create pictures
don't be disheartened by what i'm saying, the great thing is that you're trying, that you're trying with some kind of aim or purpose. for that you deserve AAA. great effort.
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Hello schmitler and welcome to the site.
Great job for your first ettempt at poetry. There are some nice lines in here.
This line could be great to form a poem around if you lose "of rhythm".
"Lost in natural confusion of rhythm, joy is there somewhere, screaming to be released."
Thank you for the read and I hope to read more from you.
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Excellent! Thanks very much for the feedback guys! All noted! Billy, your feedback was pretty precise and developed, so thanks for that! I would like to say however, yeah I referenced Ginsberg as an influence but I would say my motives within this poem (and probably future poems) were definitely not of the same ilk as his. I wouldn't want to try and replicate what he has already achieved. My motives for the poem were to write something interesting with expressive ginsberg-esque language. I think that is my main love with poetry, the exploration of language. I wouldn't want to be too literal.
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then for me the poem failed. it doesn't feel gindberg-esque.
it feels forced, there's a theme there but it doesn't come across clearly, for a first poem it's great but it feel devoid of of emotion, depoth, life, death or any other thing that makes a poem felt. it's much better than my first poem, the good thing is that you will grow as poet the more you write.
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I think that what you have here is a poem that was written with words that could express feelings, rather than a poem expressing feelings through words. Don't write so that you can emulate a style, but it can certainly influence how you write. Poetry should be felt first and then expressed, not the other way around. I don't want to sound harsh but it does sound a little empty to me. Of course, unlike other novice poets, you have a very good grasp of the English language and an extensive vocabulary, and this will give you a good foundation for future writing.
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Not wishing to be unkind and as a relative newcomer to the site myself this did nothing at all for me. It neither moved nor amused me and came across to me as being written to impress. Personally I don't think it is a good idea when starting to write to try and write in the style of anyone else, better to write from your gut and heart.
Look forward to reading more as you progress, you seem to know the words but it takes a bit more I feel
regards Smiffy
never make someone your priority when to them you are only an option
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I'm so sad to see so many people that dislike my use of language. I guess it's not for everyone but I'm not trying to be anyone else, attempting to impress with obscure words, or even endeavoring to sound exactly like someone else. I'm just inspired by what I like and I like the words I used I guess. I'm going to continue writing poetry and post it here but I will continue to use the words that express my emotions, hopefully some people will connect with them more than those that just think I'm trying to be "flashy".
I also don't want this to be seen as lashing out at my first criticism, in a way maybe it is, but in a way I just want to stay true to what I want to do and I liked my first poem.
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I think you misunderstand me , I have no problem with the words you use, maybe it is me but I found nothing to connect me with your poem, for me it was cold and passionless. If you had concentrated more on the positive nature of my final sentence you might have seen that, still hoping to read more from you
Smif
never make someone your priority when to them you are only an option
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02-20-2013, 08:16 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-20-2013, 08:17 AM by Todd.)
(02-20-2013, 05:20 AM)schmitler Wrote: I'm so sad to see so many people that dislike my use of language. I guess it's not for everyone but I'm not trying to be anyone else, attempting to impress with obscure words, or even endeavoring to sound exactly like someone else. I'm just inspired by what I like and I like the words I used I guess. I'm going to continue writing poetry and post it here but I will continue to use the words that express my emotions, hopefully some people will connect with them more than those that just think I'm trying to be "flashy".
I also don't want this to be seen as lashing out at my first criticism, in a way maybe it is, but in a way I just want to stay true to what I want to do and I liked my first poem.
I'm wondering. If you liked it. Were you really looking for critique here?
That may be the disconnect.
I could comment on the poem, but before I do I thought I would ask that one simple question.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Ooof. Getting critiqued is hard. In art school our shit gets roasted all day, every day. Helps you learn and ultimately gives you a thicker skin. My teacher once said though, you should do your work with all the passion you've got, but once it's up for critique, remove yourself from that and take nothing personally, aye?
I'll be there in a minute.
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I agree with newsclippings. I went to an arts high school, and there is no room for hurt emotions. I loved many of my poems. A lot of people didn't. Ultimately, we aren't asking you to compromise your style. Rather, we want you to improve on it. But that's not going to happen if you are satisfied with what you've got. Writers don't publish first drafts -- poets spend their time writing, and most of their time spent writing is spent erasing.
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