ode to purple

[rifster]

an ode to Purple

atop the green stalk you conjured up,
bit by bit from that brown void,
you lay with White on petal pillows
tuned in to the mellow-yellow broadcast
of the sun. but those songs are old and cheesy

let me wear you

I got good seats for the sun’s finale, but you were already there.
lusted temptress! must you blend so perfectly
with that self-righteous Blue? do you not see
the possessive-jade streaks in his slick periwinkle suit?
and how do you so calmly receive
the fiery passion of Orange, when you know he doesn’t
like to cuddle. receive me and we’ll live in puddles of cuddle

let me wear you around.
be my armor; trace my limbs.
hold me close each night
when everyone else has called it quits.
fearless and true, I’ll lead you through
the all-consuming, lightless abyss.


any feedback is appreciated

[brandontoh]

Well, firstly, do think about grammar and punctuation. It's sometimes hard to follow the poem especially because of the enjambments without proper grammar and punctuation.

[rifster]

hmm. maybe its because my interpretation is very undeveloped. i was lead to believe that you just read it based on the breaks and commas, NOT a situation where the reader searches for sentence components and breaks it down in that fashion. i was very aware of the pauses and enjambments i created if following the generic, read as you go understanding. but like i said, i'm very novice in this field and is my second poem i've really written

[Leanne]

I would suggest you read and comment on other people's poems in the workshop to improve your own understanding of how poetry may be written. While there are no hard and fast rules, it's generally accepted that if you muck about with grammar and sentence structure it should be for a specific purpose. This seems arbitrary -- unless you have a point to capitalising only three letters, I. B. O. If this isn't an acronym, then it doesn't seem very worthwhile, and the lack of capitals when used with end punctuation detracts greatly from the reading.

[brandontoh]

hmm. maybe its because my interpretation is very undeveloped. i was lead to believe that you just read it based on the breaks and commas, NOT a situation where the reader searches for sentence components and breaks it down in that fashion. i was very aware of the pauses and enjambments i created if following the generic, read as you go understanding. but like i said, i'm very novice in this field and is my second poem i've really written

This sounds quite provocative in my head, but I assure you that's not my intention. So here goes. If the reader needs to search for sentence components and break them down, then you're doing something wrong. Readers end up doing grading for an English paper instead of reading the poem. If you ever graded an essay, you'll know that papers rife with grammatical errors are boring beyond all hell to grade. There's also no way around it, since to make sense of your poem my mind is constantly correcting stuff. Following the breaks and commas solely is not possible for me at least.

Also, it's understood that you're new to this, but try not to let that be why you settle for anything less. Like Leanne said, read more poems and leave some feedback. You'll improve that way.